Help with request to transfer letter?

I wanted to ask for help writing a request to transfer letter as I lacked most in writing while in school. I know it may be better to "talk" instead, but I tend to get anxiety attacks during such times and forget a lot of what I had planned to say.

Dear Ms.(name),
I would like to request your kind attention to my application for a transfer of job from the (current location) branch to the ( requested location) branch. This is due to some personal reasons.
For the past 8 months, while I have been working for the (current location)branch, I have not felt the most welcome, save one or two people. I have been feeling out of place and very uncomfortable in this environment. I have tried to ignore it and put it aside, but I feel I cannot any longer as I fear it may eventually interfere with communication and my role here as a (occupation). I have met a few people who work at the (requested location) branch and I felt very comfortable and welcome right away. Not only that, but it is also closer to my house so I would have a shorter commute.
Thanking you for your valuable time.
Sincerely
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