I know I shouldn't, but I cannot help it (and feel shallow about it). This is a man with whom I've been close to and dated for two years. I really like him, but there is this intimacy problem (not always, but half of the time), and I was insecure, thinking he was seeing another woman or something like that. Now I regret having been privy to this knowledge, although I did ask (and insisted to be told about what is bothering him). It happened years ago, when he was still at college, and he said only his (now estranged) mother, doctor, and later therapist, know (and now me).
I wish I know how other women feel if their loved ones have this horrible experience. It's easy to say that the woman should be loving and comforting, and I do try, but now I feel a mixture of pity and unease, and it's kind of disconcerting during intimacy. Sometimes he's just being silent for another reason and I automatically jump into conclusion that he must be thinking of the rape, and I feel uneasy for the rest of the day. Another thing that bothers me, one day there might be a chance I will see the rapist if we bump into his family, and my stomach churns just at the idea.
At the same time, I don't want to let him go. I've been in a few serious relationship, and except for this one thing, he's the nicest man I've ever been with. I don't tell him anything about what I feel, because it will hurt him. I just need to know if feeling like this is normal, and what is best to do about it.
Is it normal too feel unease toward an abuse victim?
2018-02-09 9:09 pm
回答 (2)
2018-02-09 9:34 pm
✔ 最佳答案
The best relationships are the direct result of communication. Love, sure, that's nice, but two people together, when they can both say what's really on their mind and know that it will be heard and respected, and taken in the spirit in which it is said. That is something to aspire to, and you should give it a try.Everything that you've said here, you should be able to say that to him. Just say it with unwavering honesty. I know that isn't easy, but, you may be surprised by the strength that comes from that approach. Sometimes it's just about being able to express yourself.
Just say to him, "Sometimes I am uneasy, sometimes I don't know what to say and what not to say, because I love the hell out of you. Yes I know what you have told me... but what do you want from me?
There you go, you have made a real effort to communicate, now it's his turn, he has to give you something back, say something about how he feels with his relationship with you.
I know what it's like to get involved with someone who had a screwed-up past... and I know that there's a point at which you have to start thinking about yourself, if they simply won't let you in.
In answer to your question, yes your unease is normal. If this thing has a chance, you have to be able to say that, and hope that he is able to respect your honesty. Maybe that straight-up honesty is exactly what he wants. This thing will never work if either one of you has to dance around the truths that are on your mind. So don't. Share your doubts with him. This will either make your bond stronger, or end a relationship that never stood a chance anyway. So hey, it's a win-win...
2018-02-09 11:51 pm
you know what's best for you take or leave
otherwise it will screw
otherwise it will screw
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