哪位神人大大能幫幫我?我英文很爛 老師出一個功課 要我找出自傳中 "使用錯誤的現代式" 並修正?

My name is Mina. I come from Chiayi City. (The members of) my family include my father, (my) mother, and (my) sister. We (have been enjoying) a harmonious family life. My favorite subject is English. Every time I (answered good) questions, I (felt) (a) great sense of achievement. My favorite idol group is VIXX, because they are handsome and talented. My favorite song is “Memory”. Chocolate is my favorite food. FOX is my favorite TV program.
I like to watch TV and listen (to) music in free time. In the future, I want to be an English teacher.

I am a careful person. Before I decide to do something, I always think twice in advance. I hope that (I could) avoid (all) screw-up(s) (so that) everybody (would trust) me. I’m a considerate person as well. When (any of my friends is in a hard time), I do my best to help (out as if I were) in their shoes.
Because of my sense of responsibility, no matter what I do, I leave no (stones upturned) and do (my very best).

Mina-san 真的是很不會謙虛．不過我喜歡．

The present time; the time now passing ; is the present tense at now. For the present, for the time being, as far as the present is concerned,that that will be enough for the autobiography with a minor mistakes and you don't need any major correction at present.
-----My name is Mina and I come from Chiayi City.The members of my family include my father, (my) mother, and (my) sister. We (are enjoying-denotes future time)) a harmonious (and sweet) family life.My favourite subject is English. Every time I answer questions (successfully), I feel the great sense of (accomplishment--not achievement). My favourite idol group is VlXX, because they are very handsome and talented.
------I like to watch TV and listen (to) music in free time..FOX is my favourite TV programme.My favourite song is "Memory".(My favourite food is chocolate). (Should all careers be open to female in the future), I want to be (an) English teacher.
-----As I am a careful person,(I shall be more careful with my work).Before I decide to do something, I always think twice in advance. I hope that everything would avoid (being) screw-up and (that) everybody (would) trust me. I'm a considerate person as well. When my friends(are)confronted with difficulties, (I'll) do my best to help and stand in their shoes. Because of my sense of responsibility(in whatever I do), I (shall leave--express possible or probable actions) no (stone) unturned (and--no "and" needed)(to try every possible means, to do something) what---(rel.pronoun--that which; the things which) I (may---used to indicate permission).

My name is Mina. I come from Chiayi City. (my family includes) (family 即是家庭成員的意思，不必再寫the members, 而my family 是個未知內容的集體，所以它”包含….”, 如將the members 寫出，在陳述上應是the members of my family “are” my father, mother…….)my father, (mother, sister and I)(and前的逗點必須刪除,別忘了還有自己)(, we) (are enjoying) a harmonious family life(前句與後句是同一件事，應使用逗點，We 改we). (About what I am learning in school,)(敘述時，不要很突然地轉入另一件事) my favorite subject is English(, every)(同一件事不可用句點分開，應使用逗點) time (when) I answer (a question from other person), I (always) feel (a) great sense of achievement(成就感不是具體且特定的物品，不可使用定冠詞). (And my) favorite idol group is VIXX, because they are handsome and talented. (I love the) song”Memory”(the most)(, chocolate) is (the best) food (for me), (and FOX is the TV program that I very love to watch) . (my favorite 使用太多次，應改變寫法，每項間應使用逗號分開，非句號，請記得在陳述同一件事情內之文字應以逗號分開各句，轉而敘述另一件事時，才使用句號做結分開下句此原則)
I like to watch TV and listen (to) music in free time. In the future, I (plan or wish) to be an English teacher.

I am a careful person(, before) I (decided) to do something, I always (thought) twice in advance. I hope that everything would avoid screw-up and everybody trust me. I’m a considerate person as well(, when) my friends (were confronted with)(請自查confront的用法) difficulties, I (always did) my best to help (them) (在此處help 是及物動詞，應有受詞)and (stood) in their shoes.
Because of my sense of responsibility, no matter what I (did), I (left) no stand unturned and (did) what I (could do).(陳述以往的情形，使用過去式)