Why do I crave emotional and physical pain?

I just want to be as ****** up as I can be, I feel as if I want to have mental disorders. I enjoy thoughts of being hurt or crazy. For some reason I haven't figured out I just want to be ruined. Recently i've also just been doubting almost everything I hear and do, my minds always fighting itself. I'll hear something and question if I heard it right, as one sides screaming I heard it right and just want something to be wrong with myself, the other is thinking otherwise and I heard it wrong. Even while I post this I feel like that. Is this normal?