I m psychic... But my friends don t believe me Part 2?
2017-04-02 8:21 pm
I unlocked the door using my powers, and moved the book out and locked the door... I began to move it down the sidewalk, towards the school. All of a sudden, I lost connection with the book. I jerked back to consciousness. I told him I lost connection with the book, but he still didn t believe me! I ve been using the magic to try and get me tablet working... Anyway, I ve just about had it... I will come back and write more on this yahoo answers page in a few days, once I ve executed my plan... One week later. Sorry I ve been gone so long. I did the plan. I walked to school with 50 number 2 pencils. I opened up the boxes of pencils in my class. I arched my eye brows, and yelled at my friend to look over at me. I used my powers to launch the pencils through both of his eyes! He fell to the ground, blood spewing from his ballsack! I began to massacre on the whole school using my levitation powers! I then proceeded to walk down the halls, shitting on everything I see! I filled my friends locker with liquid diarrhea, along with some mayo. I shoved a toothbrush up my principals butthole. I then teleported back to home, in the comfort of my baggy sweatpants, and t shirt, and ramen noodles... I am thinking about nuking the whole town with paper... We ll see how this goes next time...
回答 (2)
2017-04-02 9:14 pm
You want feedback? It feels shallow and rushed. You're using first person narrative, but I have no feeling of who this narrator person is. I neither like nor dislike, and I should.
The reason is that this is all tell and no show. Make me feel the action as it occurs rather than telling me about it. Get me involved. Share the narrator's thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, worries, joys, and all that.
The writing is repetitive to the point of being singsong. Find ways to start sentences other than I-verb. Find ways to say the same thing in fewer words while you're at it. Learn what filtering is and stop doing it.
As for the concept, while it's not a favorite, done well it can still work. Unfortunately, what you're sharing here is not done well--yet.
This doesn't mean you should stop writing it. Instead, it means you should continue--while also learning how to write better. It also means you should not show such unpolished work to the uncaring public.
The reason is that this is all tell and no show. Make me feel the action as it occurs rather than telling me about it. Get me involved. Share the narrator's thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, worries, joys, and all that.
The writing is repetitive to the point of being singsong. Find ways to start sentences other than I-verb. Find ways to say the same thing in fewer words while you're at it. Learn what filtering is and stop doing it.
As for the concept, while it's not a favorite, done well it can still work. Unfortunately, what you're sharing here is not done well--yet.
This doesn't mean you should stop writing it. Instead, it means you should continue--while also learning how to write better. It also means you should not show such unpolished work to the uncaring public.
2017-04-02 9:58 pm
Do you have these delusions often?
收錄日期: 2021-05-01 21:32:21
原文連結 [永久失效]:
https://hk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20170402122131AAZMpuR