I'm psychic... But my friends don't believe me?

2017-04-02 8:12 pm
So about two years ago, I discovered the magic abilities that have been kept hidden from among the human race for centuries. I was just playing minecraft, when I heard something fall in my backyard. I thought maybe it was a piece from my minecraft shrine. I looked out the window, and saw a book. I threw on my skechers, and ran outside. I looked at the book and it said "Magic book of spells". I began to study it with all my might. Fast forward a few days. I was at school, and I wanted to tell my friend about my powers. I had just recently learned to use my mind to control words on paper, so I could make them move. I wrote down a few sentences on a piece of paper, and put my fingers to my temples, and began to focus. I began to see each individual atom shifting from its place, to a new place on the paper. I lifted my head away from the paper, and showed it to my friend. "Nothing changed. None of the words moved." He said. "Yes it did! It moved a little bit right there!" He rolled his eyes and walked away. He didn't believe me, so I decided to show him the evidence. I thought maybe I could make him my apprentice... Anyway, I told him I was going to move the book of spells from my bedroom back at home, to the school courtyard. I put my fingers to my temples, and began to focus, yet again. I began to see the point of view from the book, tucked away in my closet. I began to levitate it. I unlocked the door using my powers, and moved the book out and locked the door...

回答 (3)

2017-04-03 1:27 am
✔ 最佳答案
You need to read books. A lot of them. Your translation of imagination to words is extremely raw and you need to read how good writers communicate their ideas.
2017-04-02 9:14 pm
You want feedback? It feels shallow and rushed. You're using first person narrative, but I have no feeling of who this narrator person is. I neither like nor dislike, and I should.

The reason is that this is all tell and no show. Make me feel the action as it occurs rather than telling me about it. Get me involved. Share the narrator's thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, worries, joys, and all that.

The writing is repetitive to the point of being singsong. Find ways to start sentences other than I-verb. Find ways to say the same thing in fewer words while you're at it. Learn what filtering is and stop doing it.

As for the concept, while it's not a favorite, done well it can still work. Unfortunately, what you're sharing here is not done well--yet.

This doesn't mean you should stop writing it. Instead, it means you should continue--while also learning how to write better. It also means you should not show such unpolished work to the uncaring public.
2017-04-02 8:35 pm
Neither do I.
Sorry.


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