Need help to revise this composition which is about culture diversity.?

As we all KNOW, we are now living IN THE AGE OF cultural diversity. Because China has a long history and culture, (omit "there are") many separate societies HAVE emerged WITHIN our nation. (<< insert a period instead of a comma). These societies differ markedly from each other, and many of these differences persist to this day. (omit "As well as the more obvious cultural differences that exist between people")
(begin new paragraph) SOME OF THESE DIFFERENCES ARE OBVIOUS, such as language, dress, (<< insert comma) and traditions. (<< change comma to period) HOWEVER, there are also MORE SUBTLE variations, (<< insert comma) (omit "in") SUCH AS the way EACH SOCIETY IS ORGANIZED, (omit "in") their (omit shared) DIFFERING conceptionS of morality, and (omit "in") the ways IN WHICH EACH SOCIETY interactS with ITS environment.
Cultural diversity MAKES a huge impact on the development of society. On (omit "the") one hand, multiculturalism (omit "will") promoteS the ADVANCEMENT (or another word; just don't use "development" twice, so close together) of the economy, science, (<< insert comma) (omit "and") technology, (<< insert comma) and education (omit "of the society" - you already said that). (<< change comma to period) (omit "so that it will develop in the direction of pluralism and form a flourishing feature." - what does "it" refer to? and "in the direction of pluralism and form a flourishing feature" makes no sense. If you want to include this, it needs to be re-worded.) On the other hand, if the multi-cultural competition is too intense, AT LEAST one OF THE SOCIETIES EXISTING IN THE COUNTRY MAY be suppressed (omit "by the situation seriously disappearing").
Then, how should we VIEW the different CULTURES around us? I think we should treat THEM with an inclusive attitude, (<< change period to a comma) because cultural diversity can be seen as analogous to biodiversity. When a new culture is EMERGING, (omit "it is necessary to accept it with our arms") WE MUST WELCOME IT WITH OPEN ARMS. Only THEN (<< omit comma) (omit "we can make our culture more and more different") WILL OUR COLLECTIVE CULTURES BE ABE TO FLOURISH AND THRIVE.

Those changes leave us with the following:

As we all know, we are now living in the age of cultural diversity. Because China has a long history and culture, many separate societies have emerged within our nation. These societies differ markedly from each other, and many of these differences persist to this day.
Some of these differences are obvious, such as language, dress, and traditions. However, there are also more subtle variations, such as the way each society is organized, their differing conceptions of morality, and the ways in which each society interacts with its environment.
Cultural diversity makes a huge impact on the development of society. On one hand, multiculturalism promotes the advancement of the economy, science, technology, and education On the other hand, if the multi-cultural competition is too intense, at least one of the societies existing within the country may be suppressed.
Then, how should we view the different cultures around us? I think we should treat them with an inclusive attitude, because cultural diversity can be seen as analogous to biodiversity. When a new culture is emerging, we must welcome it with open arms. Only then will our collective cultures be able to flourish and thrive.

It's nonsense