Is it wrong?

I have no histoy of abuse. I'm a female virgin who is in her early teens. When I've got upset in the past, I've pulled on down there and it hurts. I do it because sometimes I feel like I hate down there because it hurts and I feel like it will ruin any chance of someone ever caring about me cause guys are unrapable, unemotional, s*x-crazed people (from everything I've seen and heard.) I feel guilty about down there. And also I really need some advice about my future gynecologist appointment. On December 2nd, I have an appointment with the gyencologist. I have to go under whatever thing it is that makes you fall asleep for them to do a vaginal swab. We tried twice to do it with me awake, and I cried and couldn't do it I was so scared and horrified I don't know why what is wrong with me. I'm scared I'll be unable to let them do it even if I'll be knocked out 😩😓