Seriously considering suicide!! I can't take these disgusting thoughts or feelings of wanting to be female anymore!!! How do I get rid of..?

Ever since I was 14 (34 now) I've had on and off dreams, thoughts and feelings of becoming female. I started cross dressing, wearing my aunt's lingerie and makeup ever time I went to see her and she was at work. I felt soo much sexier as a woman. However, she caught me, and called me a disgusting pervert, so I stopped. My dad caught me peeing sitting down and yelled at me. Lately I've been having more and more thoughts/dreams of being a female. I just woke up from a dream as a female and I had a huge *****, which happens every time I think of becoming a woman, 5 or more times a day!! Lately I've been feeling more comfortable sitting down to pee, and wrapping my towel around my chest like a woman does. Also, lately I've become more & more attracted to males. I become aroused every time I see one!! Please help!! Considering killing myself!! Insurance won't pay for counseling!! What should I do? Im single and keep telling myself that I am just lonely, craving attention and these thoughts will go away!! Will they?