I Just Sh!+ Myself. I Am In A Pub. What Can I Do?

Just stick your hands down your pants, smear it across your upper lip like a mustache, then sneak out of the pub in your new 'Dirty Sanchez' disguise.

eat your underpants so no one notices the poop stain

then go home before you stink everyone out, fool

lol just wash it in the bathroom.