I've been raped and don't know how to feel about it.?

Due to the depression though, I don't feel anything anymore. I've completely cut myself off emotionally except to have a break down once a month or nightly to remind myself how awful I am. Well I've been dating this guy for the last couple of months who has a very bad drinking problem and is a very violent drunk, pushing, name calling, talking me into having sex when I don't want to, and just being very mean. When sober though, he's a delight and has helped me get better a lot emotionally and makes me very happy, a feeling I don't get a lot. Well, recently (in the beginning of this month) he raped me while drunk. I fought him off, told him no, and even told him the safe word. Half way through though, he noticed how horribly wrong it was and got off of me. I kind of shut down the moment he entered me and I laid there and stared at the ceiling. He did not even come before realizing how bad it was. He sobered up pretty quickly tho I didn't say anything to him. About two weeks ago, I got high with a friend and broke down about it and the first rape I had two years ago. Now i don't have an opinion on it again and just want to stay with the boyfriend. How should I go about finding how I feel about this? The first rape I had, slowly started eating me up and pushed me into anorexia and worsened my self harm. My bf has apologized a lot, but he told me he views it as, "WE've had sex before so its not a big deal." How can i go about uncovering my feelings?