Should I tell my husband about a new position at work?

家庭及人際關係 婚姻與離婚
2016-01-08 6:37 pm
I'm close to wanting to divorce my husband. The main thing holding me back is income (sad, I know). Anyways, a new position is opening up at my workplace and I am going to apply. I will be making almost double what I am currently bringing home.

My husband and I married too quickly. I really did not know him, nor him me. We were just "in love" and he seemed like the perfect guy for me.

Soon after getting married and moving in together, I realized I made a mistake. Turns out his is an alcoholic (I knew he drank some). But, he's a raging alcoholic. At first, he was drinking whiskey and once he got enough in him, he became really mean and we would get into screaming matches because I didn't know how to handle it. He lost his job a month after we were married, and it took him nearly 4 months to find a new job. During that time things were really bad. But, I kept holding on because I made the commitment and wasn't willing to just give up.

Things came to head last year, when he went on a rage fit and started throwing dishes and punching holes in the walls. I ended up calling the police because I could not get him to stop. He was arrested for Criminal Tresspass. He hasn't touched Whiskey since that night, but he still drinks beer or malt liquor, but his attitude is not so bad on those.

Skip ahead...a week after our 1st anniversary he cheated on me. I wanted to end things then, but due to financial retraints I couldn't justify it. I went to counseling...
更新1:

...he refused. And he has since cut out the other woman (was only with her twice). Things between us have gotten a lot calmer, but he seems so disinterested in me now. Some days he's my husband, some days he's my roommate, other days it's like he's a stranger or like I'm invisible. I just don't know how much longer I can take this. I want to be loved and cared for and wanted. Anyways, should I take this new position and not tell him and put the extra money in a savings account?

更新2:

I know I should have filed already, it's not just financial reasons, I made a commitment and I really wanted this marriage to work. I put all I had into it.

更新3:

@sheloves, please read my updates, also.

更新4:

The house we live in is my mother's house. She doesn't live here, but I have nowhere else to go. He would have to leave. I can't just up and go, unfortunately, because I do have a 13 year old daughter, also.

更新5:

@UnderValued, your assumptions are all completely wrong. I don't even know my father and I don't like "manly" men. There was no void in my heart when I married him, I married him because I do love him, he's just not what he portrayed himself to be and it's my mistake for being love blind.

更新6:

@Vespa, a little of both as far as affording to living on my own and a lawyer. To everyone, I am not afraid of my husband nor do I believe he would ever hurt me if I told him to leave. That night I called the police I wasn't scared of him, I just couldn't get him to stop damaging the house. He was basically throwing a tantrum like a child.

更新7:

@UnderValued, obviously your definition of a "manly" man differs from mine, then. And no, plenty of therapy helped me with my fatherless issues. I never needed any one to fill that void.

更新8:

@UnderValued, what fantasy land do you come from? LOL

更新9:

I don't plan on trying to lie about the income BECAUSE of the divorce. Just to him until the divorce so I can save money without him knowing about it.

更新10:

@vicious, he is still living in my house because I don't want to kick him out with nowhere to go. How is that leaving him with nothing? And I'm not over him, I do love him, I'm just over his selfishness.

回答 (37)

2016-01-10 3:53 pm
✔ 最佳答案
It makes no sense in telling your husband abut the new position because you are only going to apply for it . Whether you will get selected or not is something unpredictable because it depends on how competitive the interview is going to be and the final outcome of it .By any chance if you get selected be prepared to leave him because you will get a higher income to make you self sufficient .Your husband is an alcholic as well as a man going after other women . After getting married you realized that it was a failure and you have made a blunder in getting married to him . All these are solid facts that justfies a separation . What is holding you up is your 13 year old daughter and income . If you are lucky enough to get the promotion for the sake of your dughter you should leave him because he is a bad example of a father as far as your daughter is concerned . Since you have your own house to live keep applying for better jobs with higher remuneration and if you succeed make up your mind to leave him after considering the stability of your new job .
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2016-01-10 3:19 pm
Hm.. okay now that I took that pause I'll do my best to give a solid answer. I'll start off with.. WOW.. just W.O.W what a mess! First of all your child living with a man who has an alcohol problem is a NO NO. So if he has a problem it can explain his rash change "Not the man he portrayed to be ) addictions are serious and not to be taken lightly. Perhaps you should get him into a rehab facility where they can help him and that would be a tremendous help to improving his life and becoming the man you knew once before. Not everything is black and white, I went through ALL your updates. You said you're not afraid of him (if that's the truth-- but at the same time anything is possible with a drug problem--Yes alcohol counts too ) so there's still hope in him to get help. Even if you can't repair the marriage you can still find it in the goodness of your heart to help him find a solid place. The fact he doesn't touch one form of alcohol doesn't fix the problem he may have been more heavily intoxicated with one type of alcohol but he is still dependent on him drinking other drinks. A sane person after being arrested for making a mistake like aggression and property damage they would quit but because he's addicted he can't. You being his wife have every right to get him into a facility so he can seek treatment. They can help him through withdrawal and with his anger and later help him with a job. Making a financial move without his knowledge is pretty unlikely. Unless you both have separate bank accounts and share no expenses ( basically roommates ) then it's very unlikely you can hide a substantial increase in pay. Cheating is horrible and I can't condone it on any level. There's no excuse and I can understand you are completely hurt by it. I would suggest getting him help and seeing if your relationship can be repaired sometimes you have to give it everything before calling it quits. It's up to you if you want to give him this one final chance. Cheating and addiction is a hard thing to be stuck with as a spouse. Go forth with god and connect with proper resources and see if that brings you salvation. You never know, it may help a lot.
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2016-01-08 6:58 pm
So is it that you can't afford to live on your own that you do not kick him out or are you needing to hire a lawyer. I would suggest you call a domestic violence shelter and you can ask them questions about how to go about kicking him out of your home since he would not stay there if you separated. You can also call a lawyer and just get their opinion without hiring them, you can call several lawyers.

I would take the job and save the money, but I would also file for a divorce if you want one. If you think he will put up a fight talk to the police first and tell them what you are doing and that you may need some assistance if he gets angry.
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2016-01-09 11:11 pm
why do you need to hide the fact that you have more money? IF you do get the job? this disturbs me. I think you are in deal about how this guy could become violent when it Is an adult and he is destroying things it is not a tantrum it is being out of control. You need to just tell him to leave it is your moms home. IF you cant make it on your own get a room mate. You have nothing left of a relationship. You didn't know him well enough to start with. You have no trust he cheated. I am one to always say once a cheat always a cheat. Sounds like you are afraid he will spend your money. I would file for divorce before the new job. What do you have to save?
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2016-01-11 6:02 pm
Hey, i understand your position, i really do. Cheating is a hell no from me. I dont know if you should lie about it though. You are married. I know you are leaving, but you are still in a partnership. I am a firm believer that if everyone is pooling everything together as a financial team, it is wrong for one person to get left with nothing. i think you should let him know that you plan on leaving. nooone wasnts to be blind-sided like that. if you need to save money, he probably does too. dont just leave your husband with nothing just because you are over him.
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2016-01-11 5:39 am
No, don't tell him. There is really no need to tell him. Get the divorce first, then take the job. No matter what your job or your income, you need to lose this guy anyway. You married him too soon, and now, he's a major alcoholic. And most alcoholics have issues which makes them turn to alcohol. Look, you've been back an forth, he's been a raging alcoholic but other times he's calm, he cheated on you but now he's better, but he doesn't seem interested in you, and you feel distant from him. It sounds like even though there is nothing holding the marriage together, you're trying to come up with excuses so you can stay with him. Since you live at your mother's house, then he is the one who has to go. Don't let him come up with reasons as to why he should stay, and don't tell him about the new position. Just tell him you're tired, you're done, and you want this divorce. He has to figure out how he will manage on his own, and once he is forced to, he will. Since you don't own property together, it sounds like there won't be much to split up. It's best to get this done asap; you say you're not afraid of him, but any guy who punches walls and breaks things on a drunken rage, is someone to be afraid of. Good luck.
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2016-01-10 5:41 pm
by all means you should not be afraid to live your life . men have a way of only wanting things their way . All men are the same though . boys is what I mean . by the time their 55 they have finally understood that women are people too . so you can either wait till then to find your next mate or you can get ready to raise another one. Boys , they're harmless so might as well see what the next ones problem is , he's got one , no question about that .
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2016-01-09 7:30 am
hopefully you have separate checking accounts, so yes apply for the new job and then save your money.
If you have a daughter then in a divorce you would have to have your own attorney and he would have to have his own. And you would more than likely not receive any alimony so your working is a good thing.
Some states are community property states wherein everything is owned together. Best you get more information and not thru an attorney. Get on google.
to get a divorce you might need a good and current reason. When you're ready to do the divorce and you see him cheating on you then hire a PI to take come pictures as proof.
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2016-01-09 4:31 pm
No. File for divorce, get a decent lawyer and do it FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILD. Then take the position. Do not tell your to be ex about your work life, big mistake that would be, as it would be used against you. You need to act up for yourself and stand up for what is right, even if it means moving out with your kid into an apartment and getting an eviction served on your ex. The lawyer WILL be able to figure it all out for you.
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2016-01-08 10:11 pm
by all means take the new position, you don't have to tell him and unless he demands you put the money in a joint bank account, make sure your bank account is yours and yours alone
how you manage the household finances may be a problem, if you currently have a joint bank account and pay bills out of it he doesn't need toknow your paycheck is no longer going into it
when the time is right and things have not improved to a point you are again a happily married couple, let him know you are moving out(be sure you have all your plans formulated and in good part accomplished so you can easily move out one night and no be without a place to go)
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收錄日期: 2021-05-01 09:34:58
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