HKU non jupas cover letter 求指教?

這篇作為cover letter或個人資歷的表述實在有點「長氣」，並且有些部份如你所寫是"your opinion" about "being a speech therapist", about the University of Hong Kong...等等的aspirations只會令看的人感覺你"大言不慚"，內容中較為相關你對 speech therapy和你的Nursing中的 clinical experience如何帶動使你對深造這科目卻沒有表述，反而寫成較為以自我為中心的managable by me和organize hall functions的經驗是使你示範給人看你的能力而不是你從中如何運用技能和學識來完成責任，表達上是本沒倒置了。

以上是真心實在地評價你的寫法和內容選材。其實可以編輯和精選最重要的細節表達你的意向(以下簡例編排，文法內容沒修正的)：

My Bachelor's Degree in Nursing from The Hong Kong Polytechnic University equipped me with professional knowledge on anatomy, physiology and psychology. Plus working with patients in clinical experience for almost 1400 hours brought me to realize my interest in speech therapy. It is because I have seen impaired communication ability affected their social health and mental health significantly because of lowered self-esteem. I wish my endeavor to future studies in speech and hearing sciences may enhance my future aspirations on teaching as well.

For 3 years as a private tutor and internal vice chairperson of the residential hall students' association during my first year of university study, I have worked in variety of functions from one-on-one guidance to team work in organizing activities such as high table dinner with fellow students.

I am confident that in enrolling to the bachelor degree program in speech and hearing of the University of Hong Kong is my choice of further education.

希望這簡單的三段可以把你的精華展示給讀這信的人，記住他有大約一至兩分鐘的時間看你的一頁/半頁內容，假如你的內容有太多雜質和情節，卻缺乏主旨，每一段落不單遘些不同的內容，但也要整合讓對方可以立體地組合內容認識你的意向，否則便只會累贅多言。希望給你一點導引。