could anyone help me to modify

Re: Application for Leave

Dear sir / madam,

I am the person-in-charge of the Preparatory Committee of the ABC Camp. I take an important role in organising activities and group discussions.
Besides, I have enrolled for a summer internship programme on the above purpose. At such, I would be most grateful if you would grant me special leave, dating from x-x-2015 to x-x-2015.

Thanks very much for your attention and consideration on the matter.

Looking forward for your approval in anticipation.

With best regards,
Lam Lam.


[ 建議：
(1) 你要去的 camp --- 最好寫上名稱，好令你的 application 較為清楚
(2) 寫上 apply for leave 的「日期」，是信中的要點；
你的上司需要知道這日期，才决定 approve 你 or not！

所以，我幫你加上這兩點！]

"I WOULD be most grateful if you WOULD grant me special leave,..."
Conditional 句子使用兩個 "would" 字是錯

could anyone help me to modify my letter to be more formal??

I am one of the members of the Preparatory Committee to take in charge of the camp. I have an important role in activities and group discussions. Besides, I know I have arranged for a summer internship, hereby apply for leave.
Adjustment for the above composition as follows:
As I'm the member of the Preparatory Committee and have the responsibilty to preside over the camping affairs which include group activities and discussions. Besides, I have already arranged a summer internship prior to my applying for vacation leave.