幫我睇下Gammar有冇錯

2015-03-01 8:37 am

Suddenly, a strong light is emitted.A beautiful young lady stand beside the Wilbur
“hi…I am Mary...” said the young lady.
All of the animals was surprise.
“a long time ago, I was a queen. However, I was selfish and do not help others. All the people who know me dislike me. One day, a famous witch turned me into a spider. I need to help someone whole-heartedly and then turn back people.” she cried and said. “luckily, I meet you. You changed my worldview. I really want to save , help you!”

Finally, Mary lives with Tom. Peter, Mary, Tom to be true friend forever.

更新1:

段落既:) 成

回答 (1)

wan

2015-03-01 9:43 am

✔ 最佳答案

呢段, 係你寫既成個故事, 定係節錄其中一段?? 因為, ... 感覺好怪,..... 而且除左 grammer 有問題, 語句都有的問題.

Suddenly, a strong light is emitted.A beautiful young lady stand beside the Wilbur (Wilbur, 人名? 應該係 TOM, right?)
“hi…I am Mary...” the young lady said.
All of the animals was surprise. (好奇怪.... 無啦啦有動物, 而且用 suprise, 擬人化先會咁寫)
“a long time ago, I was a queen. (呢度唔同連接詞, 係因為表達你個性問題既第一步) I did not help other and selfish . All the people who know me but dislike me. One day, a famous witch cursed me became to be a spider. Only way to solve is to help someone by my heart .” she cried and said. “luckily, I meet you. You changed my point of worldview. I really want you to save (或者寫 I really want to be saved, 睇你需唔需要強調 YOU呢個人物), thank you!”

Finally, Mary lives with Tom. Peter, Mary, Tom to be friend forever.

故事情節好怪, 有有突然既感覺, 如果係段落既, 我會有的理解, 否則, 故事性要改一下.

參考: 自己

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