為一個女仔作嘅歌詞 想睇下文法岩唔岩

Very good!

Just a couple errors:

But this is my imagination, I want it to be true (it = imagination, singular uncounted)

can you just give me a chance, and let us fall in love (let's or let us)

2015-01-12 04:43:51 補充：
Well done!

Just a couple grammatical errors:

1. But this is my imagination, I want it to be true (it = imagination, singular uncounted noun)

2. can you just give me a chance, and let us fall in love (let's or let us)

For parallelism:

Breakfast, with you ==> changed to Eat / Dine, with you
Study, with you
Travel, with you
Marry, would you?

(eat/dine, study, travel, marry are verbs)

多謝你們@@
你地兩個既意見都好有用!!! 萬分感謝!!!!

We don't have the music so it's difficult to give advice on alternatives as they may not fit in with the music. Dustin has told you the two mistakes so I will mention just three things.
1) You say you don't trust me > You want to please a girl yet you accuse her of not trusting you?

2015-01-12 06:53:11 補充：
Trust is a strong word. Not believing or doubting are milder. You can say things like she takes no notice.
2) Marry, would you? > Marry him? Marry some day? A bit rush too. She's not even your GF.
3) You can't understand I love you so > If she can't understand, what makes her change?

2015-01-12 06:57:08 補充：
Try not to say someone can't do something unless you're breaking up with him/her. Be positive. I'll show you. You'll understand. Everyone will see.

I'm not saying you can't use those lines but I'd avoid words that my love interest may think I consider her inferior.

2015-01-12 06:58:15 補充：
After all, it's not just a song but a gift for THE ONE.
Don Black is a great lyricist and his advice is "Always try and write for yourself. Don't copy and don't follow. You are unique. There's only one of you. Try and put your individual signature on each song."