How do I fail a drug test without doing drugs?

Suicide contemplation. The rehab center I work at has a DDU (Dual Diagnostic Unit) that takes in drug addicts, but also ones with a mental disability/illness. Most of them are just bipolar alcoholics that enjoy heroine. Alcohol is of one substance that can get you in, but there's usually a waiting list since there's a heroine epidemic going around. I say contemplate suicide, and not "threaten" because that will land you in a locked facility. A hospital has to admit you in, and if you have health insurance, they'll deliver you to the rehab center. Where I work, they test your urine for opiates, benzos, weed, coke, suboxin, and a couple other things but they don't do blood tests.

Most people use it as a homeless shelter. It's usually the insurance company that determines how long people stay there. Usually 5-10 days, if you do have a problem and you want to get better, they'll send you to a different unit after that, one that's more laid back. That's how it works where I work. But to get in, all you need to do is say that you want to detox. I'm just a minimum wage grunt at my location, so I don't know where patients come from or how they get in, but I do handle the admissions. This is the most amount of information you'll get out of anybody. To be honest I hate people like you. You're the type that feels entitled to everything just because you were born. I'm so sick of people coming in and whining about this place not being a 5-star hotel when they're the oxygen thieves.

Eat a Poppyseed Muffin all week....