please correct my essay

Since it is a continuation of previous questions, I will not repeat previous comment.

Conclusion - It barely makes it to the "Good" level, but not excellent.

1. Chinglish

Read (speak) it out loud. You should be able to find some of your funny language, like "men and women, young and old" (Why not simply use "everyone" instead?)

2. Use of Words

This is the part you have the most problem. I know you have worked hard enough. As an exception (because I want you to learn), I will point out the issues to you:

a. "as soon as possible" - It is a promotional leaflet. "as soon as possible" is too strong. Why not "before it is too late" (to imply an opportunity that you should not miss)?

b. "destroy" - Seriously: Not talking to your parents can destroy the family? Too strong. Why not "damage" instead?

c. "Consequently" - Is it necessary to use these strong words? How about "so"?

The key of effective writing is to choose words based on the readers and the circumstances. Strong and complicated words do not always mean good. For most non-essay writing, the key is getting the message or simplicity.

3. Grammar

4. Content - your idea has been improved, but not pervasive enough. The question asks you to write a leaflet to promote Sports Day. However, the reason(s) does not have to be related to Sports Day.

Your main reason is "team-building". Then how about those families which have a healthy relationship? Does that mean they don't need to particulate?

How about this - "an opportunity to know more about your children's school"? Remember - typical parents know almost nothing about the school. So a sports day may be an excellent opportunity to know more about the school? Also, how about "showing support to your children"? These reasons do not relate to the Sports Day. But in my opinion, it is a good reason to convince parents to join a school function, like a Sports Day.

2014-07-25 18:28:10 補充：
Masterijk - Let me be blunt and straight forward.

Based on IELTS scale, this essay is lucky to have 5 or 5.5.

There is no way to make it to 6.

Seriously, improvements has been made, but not significant. In order to score high, the essay has to be understandable without a question.

2014-07-26 03:25:34 補充：
Thanks Godfrey for the reinforcement.

2014-07-26 17:20:04 補充：
你仍然不明白。你最大的問題是你如何思考。

運動日無必要與運動有關係。同樣地，漫畫節無必要與漫畫有關係（因為漫畫節主要與漫畫書及其產品銷售有關）。你在這一問題的做法基本上是完全錯誤的，所以最好的解決辦法是你退一步再想一想。

這不是一個語言問題。換句話說，就算這問題是用中文，你仍然會有相同的問題。

2014-08-01 11:03:28 補充：
1. It can be both.

2. It can be both.

Again - the Sports Day is not the key. It is how you convince people to come.

I didn't know that it was so hard to learn a foreign language!

2014-08-01 06:56:38 補充：
關於'sport day' 英文作文仔細作考慮下, 我有兩個問題想請教。

一、 界題

‘sport day'的形式,是一種像「陸運會」的活動形式(包括開幕、閉幕、活動的編排已由大會預先定下),抑或是像「活動攤位」的形式(讓參與者有自由選擇運動項目參與,參與者也有自由去安排參與時間[在活動規定時間內])?

二、 字詞定義

'activites' 在深層的定義上,它是指用於在多種而不同種類的活動(例如除籃球、羽毛球等遊戲外,也有運動分享時間、發問時間),抑或是指多個活動但都屬同一種類型?(例如除籃球、羽毛球的活動)或以上兩方面也包含呢?

trees:

這篇文敗筆是 reason
Sports Day 不是像 Fitness Club, promote 做 sports
主要原因 getting to know the school, the teachers and other students.
Leaflet 要簡短, readers 是 parents, parents 最 care 是什麼?
坦言, 許多句子, 在 grammar, choice of diction 出問題.
三次改正 essay, 不同的人 contribute, 有如修補
字一大堆, 許多 irrelevant.

真的重發？

我以為你回覆上次那帖後即可～

^___^

2014-07-25 23:38:55 補充：
加油！

你睇下仲有咁多有心人幫你～

仲有一年時間先考～

畀心機！