cover letter gammer check plz

If this is a homework, I will give a barely passing grade, as you have successfully done what you have asked, but not good enough.

If this is an actual cover letter, you will not get a chance at all.

Several issues:

1. Articles;

2. Run-together sentences;

3. Wording;



2014-06-11 20:08:55 補充：
七瀨 遙;

Although your answer is almost perfect, I will still suggest you to remove your answer.

It is simply not the way to learn by giving out the answers.

作為求職附函, 個人認為 篇幅略嫌太冗長。

If I were the boss, I wouldn't spend too much time to read the letter unless it is really eye-catching.

thx
水皮英文見笑了
都係女仔體貼=]

Dear Sir/Madam,

From (comp name)'s website, I am delighted to know that (comp name)'s position of Safety Supervisor is now open for application. With a strong career interest in the field of construction safety, I would like to apply for this position as (comp name) is a reputable company in relevant fields which matches my career preferences well.

To begin with, my education has provided me a sound foundation in carrying out the duties required in this position. I finished Form 7 at King’s Glory Education Day School in 2011. After that, I went on to study for the High Diploma in Environmental Technology at the Hong Kong Institute of Vocational Education to equip myself with the knowledge needed for my career, and graduated in 2013.


Besides, having worked as a Safety Supervisor at Sanfield Industries Ltd, a leading company that specialises in waterproof engineering, and an Assistant Safety Officer at Techoy Construction Co Ltd., I have gained hand-on experiences in inspecting site safety, writing safety reports, completing safety documents, training workers and participating in regular site meetings. These experiences enable me to pick up and finish the duties of this position with ease and efficiency.

Last but not least, I have acquired my Safety Supervisor Certificate and First Aid Certificate at the Occupational Safety & Health Council. I have also got the Green Card from the Construction Industry Council. I would therefore be immediately available to work on field, saving the time for acquiring the required certifications.

I believe that my background and experience would make me a competent candidate for this position of Safety Supervisor. And I am pleased to enclose my resume here for your reference. I would be very grateful if you could grant me an interview where you could learn more about me.

Thank you so much for your kind attention. Please feel free to contact me by phone at xxx or email (xxx). I am looking forward to hearing from you.


Yours faithfully,
xxx

2014-06-11 18:42:00 補充：
幫你改咗啲，應該會好少少。

2014-06-11 19:30:00 補充：
小妹又係 11 年 Form 7，加油～～

2014-06-12 04:02:30 補充：
的確，其實都唔 expect boss／hr 會睇晒份 cover letter。

我覺得 cover letter 最緊要係開頭比佢感覺你英文ok，引佢睇你份 CV、俾interview 你，最後你有冇 job offer 就睇你 interview 表現了，cover letter 相對嚟講唔係太重要。（我 apply big 4 果陣時我份 cover letter 開頭無嘢、後半部有啲 typo，但最後都有 offer，所以 cover letter 第一印象 ok 就得）