詢問英文Grammar 問題

舊: I went to Orange Building to take some documents yesterday. I arrived at the
building at 4:30pm. The building was tall. There were forty storeys in the building
There were three thick books near the entrance of the building. I went to Room
302 to take them. The floor of the room was even. The documents were on
the table in the room. I took them from the table. The documents were related to
Kai Tai Project. I left the building at 4:48pm.

修改: I went to the Orange Building to get some documents yesterday. I arrived the tall forty storeys building at 4:30 in the afternoon. The first thing that caught my eyes were the three thick books near the entrance of the building. I went to Room 302, where is located on the even-floor of this building, to get the documents which sat on the table. I left the building at 4:48pm with the documents which were related to the Kai Tai Project.

等我解釋下點解我會咁改啦. 首先 你唔應該用take因為係英文入面take係有時候會用係當你無權拎果樣野既情況下 而你拎左 所以get會比較貼切D 比如好似公司派你去果到拎份文件咁 跟住你D句子全部都好散同埋好短 如果用連接詞將D句子拼埋一齊會聽落好D 同埋4:30pm其實都岩 但係聽落無咁正式 如果好似寫一篇文章 用in the afternoon會好D 跟住其他都係句子比較短既問題 同埋最後點解會用返PM 因為其實已經知道你係afternoon 如果再講多次會有D長氣咁 希望幫到你啦

2014-04-23 10:42:41 補充：
唔好意思 發現左少少錯:
The first thing that caught my eyes were the three thick books near the entrance of the building
呢句應該係: The first thing that caught my eyes were the three thick books near the entrance.
已知你係個building果到 所以其實唔使再講 我改左少少令佢生動D 姐係the three thick books係你第一樣見到既野 但其實如果唔係重要 其實我覺得呢世可以唔要 因為同你講既野無關

I went to the Orange Building to take some documents yesterday. I arrived there at 4:30p.m.. This is a tall-building where has forty storeys. There were three thick books near the entrance of the building. I went to Room 302 where is located on the even-floor in this building. I took away the documents which were originally put on the table in this room. These documents are related to Kai Tai Project. I left the building at 4:48p.m..

grammar 冇乜大問題, tense 就有d問題, 如果果件事係fact e.g. building有40層, 琴日40層, 今日都1樣會係40層, 只係時間變左, 物件冇變, 咁用番present tense, 同作得有d累贅, 我改左少少. :)

'I arrived at the building at 4:30pm.'
'arrived"後面可以唔用at