麻煩幫我.改英文, 我盡力了...

I [am] writing to report you the recent [behaviour of] my classmate Jon. I [was] in disbelief [when I] saw him giving out [x significant] money to [make our classmates] [x so that they will] call him ‘’big brother’’. I [am] really concerned about [this and] I think his [x attitude of] value [on friendship] should be corrected.


Actually, Jon was [once] my good friend [x before]. He [would] share [everything] about himself with me like [his] relationship with [his] family and [x what] how he [had been that time]. But one day, he changed a lot. He started to [estrange] [x away] from me and show off his [newest smartphone in front of] other classmates [x in order] to attract their [attention]. [x After that,] I [feel there are several] possible [reasons] for his [change]. [x In the first place,] Jon is a single child and he always [feels] lonely [as] his parents spend most of [the] time on working [x , but less on him]. Therefore he wants more friends [and initially], he [tried to give] away gifts to [the] classmates [which] made him [x become more and more] popular [x among classmates]. Perhaps he enjoys [this popularity built on money a lot and this may explain why he keeps on doing so.]


[x In the second place,] [Also,] Jon is a shy and [inward person]. So [to him, money might be] a [handy] tool to help him [get] friends.
[I am just afraid that] If nobody stops [him], [x I afraid that] it will [result in] many [highly undesirable consequences].


[First], [to maintain his ‘big brother’ image, Jon would need money]. As [a] result, [it is possible that] he would [be pressured to] use [get money in some inappropriate means, for example, stealing.]


[Second], Jon’s behaviour [might set a bad example to the peers]. [The others] may [follow suit and spend much on expensive items thinking that it can increase their popularity]. [It will] distract [them] from their [study] and [hence affect] their academic performance [x will be influenced].

2014-03-15 14:27:57 補充：
[Worse], [if building popularity using money becomes prevalent in school, bullying may happen as some students may try to get money out of the others for the expensive goods.] [So undoubtedly], [Jon's behaviour] [x problem] [must] be [paid great attention to and dealt with promptly].

2014-03-15 14:29:18 補充：
I hope [the] school can [do something to correct Jon's behaviour] before it is too late. [x The] Real friendship [builds over time], but not [at an instant with] [x depend on] money. I [wish] Jon could understand it [x in] one day. [I will be glad to further discuss this issue with you.]

2014-03-15 14:34:35 補充：
小評：
grammar 要多練習一些，句子表達有點重複，尤其是中間的部份，要好好想想意思之間的轉接是否 logical 和 smooth，另外，要注意 audience 是誰，你最後一句的語氣太高傲了。

2014-03-15 15:00:38 補充：
in some means -> by some means
their study -> their studies

I would like to tell you whereabouts my classmate Jon. I didn't belief to see him giving over money to bribe other students so as to call him ‘’big brother’’. I was really concerned about his misbehaviour which should be changed.
Actually, Jon was my good friend before. He always shared with me about the relationship with his family and what he was doing. It happened one day, he changed a lot and started to keep away from me and show off his things to classmates in order to attract their attentions. In view of that I tried to find out the possible motives for his doing. In the first place, Jon was a single child and he always felt lonely since his parents spent most of their time in working, but ignored him. Therefore he wanted more friends to accompany him. In the beginning, he was giving away gifts to classmates and made him becoming more and more popular among them. Perhaps he enjoyed that way so as to gain more respects and admirations.
In the second place, Jon was shy and reserved and he regarded gifts as a tool for him to make friends.
If nobody stopped his wrong doing, I was afraid that it will caused many potential problems.
Firstly, Jon was addicted to his ‘big brother’ image. In this case, he was able to acquire more money for maintaining the relationship with friends. As the result, he would face the financial issue in the future. More worse, he used some devious ways to get money.
In addition, Jon’s behavior could influence other studens to follow him. They might also spend lots of money on purchasing brand name items like bags shoes and glasses. It was because they thought it could increase their popularity.
Furthermore, paying too much attentions on expensive items would distract students from their studying. Therefore, their academic performance will be influenced.
What’s more was to get more money to afford those expensive items, some students would use devious ways. Consequently, ‘campus bullying’ arose.
Without doubt, the problem should be dealt with and settled.