Urgent!英文自我介紹信~求批改!20點!!!!

i have correct some error as below

Dear Principal,

I am writing this letter to request your consideration for me to study in this school. Below is a brief introduction of myself.

I am Jocelyn, XXX. I am study in XXX Secondary School and I am a Form 4 student. I was study in XXXX School and finished my primary study there. When I was in primary 3, I was the third in class and I got A-grade in all my main subjects in primary 6. In XXX Secondary School, I hold my performance in the whole class 50th and try to do better each time.

I like recitation as I can learn more excellent article. Moreover, by reciting I can enhance my imagination. I was awarded the first runner-up in the Chinese recitation in Hong Kong Schools Music Festival & Speech Festival this year. In fact from my primary three till now, i had joined speech competitions many times and I usually got a quite satisfied result.

My family has just moved to Sha Tin this year. To facilitate going to school and getting a better education, my family and i choose your school. I would like to study in your school not only because of the academic performance but also because you always encourage students to participate in the different types of extracurricular activities.

I truly hope that you can give me a chance to study here. For your benevolence, I will do my best to repay. If I can have an opportunity to study in your school , it is really my honor! Thank you!

Yours faithfully
(SIGN)
XXX


And some reminders:
1. try to keep things simple.
2. remember your audience of the letter is the principle, you are writer to someone superior, so be aware of the register, tone and style of the letter.
3. don't abuse in using some of the words and use a larger range of words.
**4. and proofread your letter

你的英文信太多 Chingish, 而且文法出錯甚多, 我不能說自己的文筆很好, 但也幫你改動了一些內容. 你需要考慮一下, 你已經是中四的學生, 小三時代的成績還值得炫耀嗎 ?

Dear Principal,

I am writing for seeking your consideration of my application of studying in XXX seconding school.

My name is Jocelyn, XXX. I am a Form 4 student and now studying in XXX secondary school. I also graduated from the primary section of this school. My academic result was above the average in primary school, for example, I scored A in all major subjects when I was in primary 6. After promoted to the secondary school, I always do my best to keep my performance.

I love recitation since it gives me opportunity to read excellent articles and enhance my imagination. I have participated in many speech competitions since I was a Primary 3 girl and got some good results, for example, I got the first runner-up in the Chinese recitation of the Hong Kong Schools Music Festival & Speech Festival this year.

My parents and I admire the excellent academic performance of your students and we believe students should participate in different types of extracurricular activities to explore and achieve more from leisure time, which is similar to your teaching principle. Besides, we have just moved to Shatin this year. My parents encourage me to apply for a school which can further strength my academic ability and located nearer our home so that I can spend less time in traffic to get a better preparation for my public examination.

I am truly looking for a chance for an interview to discuss my application with you and teachers. If I am allowed to study in your school, I will study and perform hard to prove that I am a typical XXX student.

Yours faithfully,
XXX

我覺得你需要考慮的是
1. 這是一封求學信, 而不是 show off. 因此, 顯示誠意遠比表現自己重要 !! 要表現自己, 在面試時, 或遞交申請時, 你已經可以提交有關的證書, 獎狀.
2. 你已是 F4 學生, 還提小三小六的事情做什麼, 而且又不是考第一, 有什麼價值? 你的中學時代就沒有代表作嗎 ?
3. 寫作之前, 起稿, 你的文筆不順, 而且中英夾雜, 我也不是好, 但不比你差. 而且你的文章文意飛來飛去, 左一堆右一堆,再加上基本的文法錯誤, 問題會很大.
4. 發出這信前, 不論你用那一位的版本, 好好想想自己可否寫出來. 萬一遇上 written test 你是否可以寫出同樣程度, 文筆的文章. 因此, 不管你用那一篇,都請你細看一下, 修改一下.

finished
has just moved to Sha Tin
to facilitate going to school
I can enhance,not enhancing
in the different types of ECA,not need to reverse
because you are always encouraging/always encourage
I had joinED
these are all grammatical problems and sth. minor sentence structure!;)