My First Naked Sonnet,a Rewrite Challege C/C?

🎓 學業台詩詞

2013-08-14 1:03 am

I am so envious of you sonnet writers whose complicated stories just roll off in perfect meter.IT IS SO HARD TO DO!!! Please,peruse my infantile attempt,feel free to bash,trash,or,REWRITE it and keep my meaning in tact as you see it!? A large bag of M&M's will be sent to the winner forthwith!HAAALP!!!!

Slipping Away

It's like I have traveled to some dark star
former intellect and memory shorn.
Alien beings speak kindly to me
as if acquainted before I was borne.

I recognize nothing from yesterday
a short time ago,of that I am sure-
but how did I come to this strange new place?
In a new suit of innocence so pure?

Am I akin to some born again soul
whose life was by God so hotly reviled
that banished forever I am now gone
to renew faith with the mind of a child?

Although I feel I must submit to all
Still I sense there is a soft place to fall.

更新1:

Okay,have at it.I have thickly tanned Greek olive skin and can take criticism like a man.I would love to see rewrites of this to make the boo boos a bit better.Put on your thinking caps,Dammes und Herren!

更新2:

Okay,have at it.I have thickly tanned Greek olive skin and can take criticism like a man.I would love to see rewrites of this to make the boo boos a bit better.Put on your thinking caps,Dammes und Herren!

更新3:

Wow! Thanks for all the responses,I am really a simple song writer and just enjoy YAP so much,it keeps me company,inspires me,makes me laugh and cry.This is for my S.O. who is slipping away.The aliens are her former friends and family.It is a terrifying thing to watch,and this is how I imagine she feels about it.Thank you,Peter,for the beautiful rewrite.I have so much respect for all of you,minus one who has disappointed me with such a severe attitude and lack of humor and pathos.scata 4 hymn.I don't try to copy anybody's work.I am principally an artist and a singer.

更新4:

Wow! Thanks for all the responses,I am really a simple song writer and just enjoy YAP so much,it keeps me company,inspires me,makes me laugh and cry.This is for my S.O. who is slipping away.The aliens are her former friends and family.It is a terrifying thing to watch,and this is how I imagine she feels about it.Thank you,Peter,for the beautiful rewrite.I have so much respect for all of you,minus one who has disappointed me with such a severe attitude and lack of humor and pathos.scata 4 hymn.I don't try to copy anybody's work.I am principally an artist and a singer.

回答 (14)

2013-08-14 2:25 am

✔ 最佳答案

It reads like it's Peter who wrote it. Congratulations cause you managed to write exactly like him. It's an admirable quality to be able to write exactly like others..

I am departing cause I have plenty to do.

👍 1 👎 11

2013-08-14 9:37 am

I am sorry I had to try and do it BACKWARDS. Adding the odd syllable would have been too easy, PLUS it would not have improved on the original. This may not either but at least it was a challenge.

Although I must submit myself to all
I sense a softer falling place for me
and so I am akin to some lost soul
“Reviled, and banished,” God decried hotly

At his command I am forever gone
The mind is like child - in grown up face
A suit so pure of innocence is mine
Long past is gone – of near times I’m more sure.

I sense a manikin-self, seen from afar
And alien beings kindly speak to it
As if I’ve come from some unknowing star
They mention our connections, how we fit,

As if acquainted in those times so foreign
Through former intellect and memory shorn.

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2013-08-14 9:39 am

This is a lovely poem in Sonnet format. Once you get the iambic beat, your words will flow. This takes time and practice.

👍 4 👎 1

2013-08-14 8:21 am

Oh , GS..don`t worry that the rhyme-scheme`s imperfect...
your message is!
The gentlest pace to land`s in your own soul..
it`s guided you past idolatrous charms..
To where you lay once before you might rise as you do now,
clear -eyed, held in your soul`s strong arms.
You stand shorn of the scaffolding of guilt
thrust once upon you by the word, unbending;
The inner shrine which truths in you have built
is yours....your journey fulfilled, though not - ending.
xxx

A Soul-Poem....from you...I`ve read, and I`ve read you, so often - wondering - and -
Here - you are. :)

8.5

👍 4 👎 1

2013-08-14 11:28 am

I'll catch you.
Very interesting read and a good poem.

👍 3 👎 2

2013-08-14 8:33 am

Relax, it's a very nice first try at the ol' sonnet. I'm not going to mess it up, I'll take it as I find it.

👍 3 👎 2

2013-08-14 11:43 am

As you know I'm a great fan and admirer of Frederic and Questor,
and it now seems there is a third sonneteer worth reading...
Well done...not an easy thing to write...x

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2013-08-14 9:29 am

Congrats!!! you did well for a first try. Just two tiny suggestions: recheck your measurement and bat for iambic rhythm to ease the flow a bit.

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2013-08-14 5:35 pm

It's just lovely...truly Geminisinger...your message shines through...and for me..that says it all...x

👍 2 👎 1

2013-08-14 9:43 am

Although I am not qualified to critique this piece, I still know what I like.
And that is M&M's.
But really, I like your meaning.
The feeling that what you have learned is all too much, or that it is so very simple.
And your ending couplet feels strangely comfortable.
Das smecht gÃ¼t.

👍 2 👎 1

2013-08-14 2:54 pm

This sonnet is animated
and exudes a radiance.
Smoothly composed.
I was so wrapped in your
message, I didn't have time
to critique technique.
I find a sonnet, written with your style,
not some rule of what a sonnet should be.
For me it should stand as is.
I found it enchanting after reading
twice, and narrating aloud once.
Well voiced, Gemini.

👍 2 👎 2

2013-08-14 10:44 am

After reading Your Poem I was truly impressed but I am easily impressed, by honest efforts, great and small. You led me on a journey through space, time, doubt and Hope with kindness awaiting Your arrival. Granted innocence from the purification of a childhood returned. Welcome Home, Be at Peace, Enjoy the Rest You Have Truly Earned.

I looked For a Naked Sonnet and found one, almost as Nice as Yours.

"My Poems" By, Daniela Cesta
Where She makes it easy to understand the individuals perception of the Poem, BUT, With Her First two lines She described where The True Value of Poetry Begins. I Felt this in "Slipping Away" before reading

"My Poems"

"My poems are
The story of my soul."

Would You Like Fries with That?

👍 2 👎 3

2013-08-15 11:47 am

Gemi, here's my revision, and a "volta" added at the 9th line.

Slipping Away

It's like I have traveled to some dark star,
former intellect and memory shorn,
alien beings speak kindly from afar,
as if acquainted before I was borne.

I recognize nothing from yesterday,
just a short time ago, of which I'm sure-
but how, in this strange place I came to stray,
clothed in a suit of innocence so pure?

But am I now a soul reborn, redone,
whose life has been by God hotly reviled
that though banished forever and now gone,
renews with faith in the mind of a child?

Although I feel I must submit to all
Still I sense a place, soft, whereon to fall.

Good luck.

👍 1 👎 0

2013-08-14 10:40 pm

Gems

I have yet to try a sonnet, not into them yet, and most
I understand or thought were supposed to be love sonnets.

I enjoyed this so much. You have come far as a poet Gems,
you truly have, and here is a pat on the back. ddddddddd

those ddddd are pats

Seriously, you could do the story poems with passion, but
you are starting to 'feel' poetry, and its beauty. It shines
though, and with this, in perfect form, saw no error, was
a gem Gems.

From the heart

👍 1 👎 1

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