(Presentation)求知識長/神手幫check文法

Intro:
Good afternoon, everyone[.] I am Jo Lee, [the] Fund Raising Officer at Children’s Cancer Foundation. [First of all, I would like to thank the donors, patients and their families for their support to us.] Today[,] I will [talk about our] mission[,] services and fundraising [activities]. I hope you will understand [us better after this presentation and] support our work [through different means in the future].

Body:
As [we might not be that well-known to] the public [compared to other charities], [it may be good to start by introducing our mission and services first]. [Our mission is to] improve the quality of life for young cancer patients and their families [by] caring for their physical, psychological and social well-being. [We do not receive any subvention] from [the] government, [the Community Chest] and [the] Hong Kong [Jockey] Club.

[And], we [provide] lots of [different] services in hospitals, families and community. In [hospitals], we [help] young patients to overcome their negative feelings[,] upgrade [the hospital's] equipment and facilities [if the hospital is a public one], [purchase] expensive drugs and prostheses, and [fund] essential research. [After we provided services in hospitals, the] survival [rate] [was seen to increase]. [In families, through] support groups, we help [parents take care of their children] with cancer. [Also, through] professional counseling[, we] listen [what the families think and feel,] and explain [to them what's happening and their expectations]. In the community, we [organize] exhibitions and talks about childhood cancer [and distribute our] publications and newsletters [, so as to let the public] understand more about childhood cancer.

[As we are the] only organization to offer [all] the services [mentioned and our funds solely come from] donations[, your donations would be essential for maintaining our services for the needy in Hong Kong.]


2013-06-22 21:54:54 補充：
[In fact,] since we had [insufficient] donations, our services were [sized down last year]. [That] was a problem [to us].

Conclusion:
I [hope the presentation would let you know more about the Children’s Cancer Foundation.] [Last but not least, I would like to thank for all the support to us again,

2013-06-22 21:56:56 補充：
especially that from the doctors and the Hospital Authority.] [I hope you will continue to support us in different ways like donating and volunteering, so that we can continue to serve those in need in Hong Kong.]

Thank you.

2013-06-22 22:04:18 補充：
1. 你 firstly 那句可不要，因為你已沒有其他內容可說 secondly 了。
2. 你並沒有三個原因叫人捐錢，你只是把一個「原因，闡述」分成三句而已。
3. 不要總是把捐錢掛在口邊吧，婉轉一些。

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