Does this paragraph make sense?

In the first sentence, instead of very small, you could use very little or irrelevant. Also, obesity can be not eating healthy, good portions, and lack of physical activity. Combine the second and third sentence. Other than that, good!

Since you already have a stand on the issue (which I do not agree with), still, let this edited version help you to build your case stronger:

In my opinion, the role of McDonald's in relation to obesity is very minimal. People become obese because of eating too much - way more than what they need for their body to function. Eating too much McDonald's products will surely make people overweight. However, these establishments such as McDonald's just OFFER the food. It is the people who buy and eat them. It is their decisions which make them overweight. If they just control what they eat, then obesity is not a problem.

Obesity is not a problem of McDonald's. It is a question of control.

"In my opinion, the role of McDonald's plays a percentage of people being obesity. Obesity occurs when excess fat accumulates in the body cause body mass to increase well above normal. Fast food is known to have wide ranges of negative health effects. Not acknowledging the amount of fast food taken in from McDonald's such as failure to sense over eating can cause risk to become overweight and obese if not taking caution. However, McDonald's is not the only place serving fast food. There is also Hungry Jacks, KFC, Burger King, etc. With all this said, I do believe McDonald's plays a part in obesity."


That's my version. Maybe good, maybe bad but at least I tired.