文法上有冇錯? 20點

HI,everybody!Today I am going to introduce my best friend to all of you.My best friend is Yoyo, as all of you know, she is our class monitor . Sometimes, we would visit the garden, sit on the bench and chat. However, we sometimes argue with each other because of minor problems but she would forgive me every time.When I am upset,she would comfort me. She is a nice and caring person. I hope our friendship will last forever.

HI, everybody! Today I am here to talk about my best friend. [雖然開場白可以用will引言，但如果是演講可以用現在式直接講主題] My best friend is called yoyo, who is our class monitor. Sometimes we play together and chat with each other. [註chat together意思變為你們一同跟別的人傾談而不是你們互相的傾談，不過以你的程度把兩樣(play和chat)一齊寫已經是有難度。]We often go to the garden and sit on the bench to talk about [something 不能這樣寫，about …一定要肯定講出是甚麼，「傾嘢」並不是好寫法]. Sometimes we quarrel [這裏是不用each other的-因為quarrel必然是we兩人之間的事，不需要畫蛇添足，直接接下去文法仍是正確的] because of little problems but she [] forgives me again and again. Whenever I am upset, she comforts me and she is very nice and [] care for me. [take care of XX意思是照顧XX的生活，care about XX意思是關心XX，care for XX意思是關照/關顧/愛護XX，希望我修改的是你的意思。認識和學習多一點preposition phrase對你寫作用詞表達會幫助很多的，但小心不要誤寫類似的但不同的意思。]

文法大致沒有錯，但在structure、content和vocabulary幾方面還有改善的空間，如：

1. 用connectives (如 although，also)
2. 留意content的order（通常會先寫often的東西，然後才寫sometimes）
3. 多用其他vocabulary items （小弟建議可學學phrasal verbs，很多人都ignore了phrasal verbs而去學很難的單字，結果寫出來很不natural）

我希望我們和yuki mak 永遠做好朋友:
I sincerely wish that Yuki Mak, Yoyo and I will be best friends forever.
(話說你好像在寫 yoyo 吧，最後為甚麼多了yuki mak既？好像怪怪地......所以最後一句我用了we 代替 Yuki Mak, Yoyo and I)

我改了一些，可以參考一下：
Hi, everybody. Today I will talk about my best friend, Yoyo, who is our class's monitress. Yoyo and I often go to the garden, sit on one of the benches there, and have a little chat about anything that interests us. Although we always play together, we have quarrels sometimes because of some minor problems of mine. Luckily, Yoyo always forgives me. And sometimes, she will comfort me when I am upset. In short, Yoyo is a very nice person and she really cares about me. I sincerely wish that we will be best friends forever.

2013-05-01 22:35:32 補充：
應該是 ''And she will comfort me when I am upset sometimes.'' 而不是 ''And sometimes, she will comfort me when I am upset.'' 不好意思呀 (o*｡_｡)o

HI,everybody! Today I want to talk about my best friend. She is my class monitor called yoyo. Sometimes we play or chat together and often go to the garden and sit on the bench while talking about everything. When we quarrel with each other because of little problems but she always forgive me right away.If I upset,she will comfort me kindly and taking care of me.

2013-05-02 07:59:48 補充：
Additions: I wished that Yuki Mak would be my good friend for ever.

Hi,everybody!Today I will talk about my best friend, who is my class monitor called Yoyo. Sometimes we play and chat together.We often go to the garden and sit on the bench to chat.Sometimes we quarrel with each other but she will forgive me all the time.If I am upset,she will comfort me. She is very nice and always takes care of me.

I hope Yuki Mak and I shall be friends forever!

HI,everybody!Today I will talk about my best friend.My best friend is our class's monitress called YoYo. Sometimes we play and chat together.We often go to the garden and sit on the bench and talk about something.Sometimes we quarrel with each other because of little problems but she will forgive me again and again.If I am upset,she will comfort me and she is very nice and takes care about me. (I hope Yuki Mak and us be frenids forever!)

It sould be like this