我的自我介紹文章有沒有錯?

很好，但有些少地方要改一改：
中文段：
1.「在課外活動方面，我是奥數小博士成員。」一句，應放在「喜歡的科目」一句後，因為你突然由校內變校外，再回到校內。
2.「有空」前請加「如果」二字。
3.請刪減去「我喜歡靜態活動，也喜歡動態活動。空閒時，我喜歡看書、到公園玩耍等。每逄星期日晚上，我都會和家人到公園跑步、玩耍。」，改成「空閒時還有每逄星期日晚上，我會看書、和家人到公園玩耍等。」
English paragraph:
1)Didn't say what subjects do you like.
2)Change "I had a good result" into "I've got the second price".
3)Change "Join" into "Joined".
4)It should be "Every Sunday,I like spending time with my family,*running/jogging
and playing in *the/a park.
5)Didn't say that you like swimming
6)Change the sentence "I am a friendly and helpful person,I like to meet new
friends." into "I am a friendly and helpful person who likes to meet new friends."
7)Didn't say that you want to be a useful person (pillars of society) when you
grow up.
*First, I don't know if you are running or jogging; And I don't know if you change
your place as another park (a) or always in the same park (the).

2013-01-06 13:37:21 補充：
Sorry about the English "paragraph", but "passage".
And I've lost one thing.
8)It should be "I want to be a lawyer when I grow up".

2013-01-06 13:38:51 補充：
9)No need to say "it is" and "being"

------ Error and correction------
My name is xxx,xxx years old,studing at xxxxxxxxxx sc as a Primary xxx student. I live in xxxxx.
As you see from my sc. record, I am good at Mathematics and had a good result in the HK Mathematical Olympiad Competition. In addition to my normal activities, I have joined a club which is about Mathematical Olympiad. I hope I can achieve more awards in Mathematics competitions. I am also a friendly and helpful person meeting new friends. In my spare time I like reading or participating in outdoor activities. Every Sunday I like spending time with my family.

I hope I can enter the University. I am committed to pursuing my dream career in legal affairs. I am particularlly interested in being a lawyer as it would enable me to "Gain" experience of working and helping people in need.

Some mistakes can be found.

1. I "had" a good result in Hong Kong Mathematical Olympiad Competition.
2. I also "joined" a club which is about Mathematical Olympiad.
3. Every morning, I like "to spend" time with my family.
4, My dream is a lawyer.