What's the best man speech on 'A Few Best Men'?

'Tis a wonderful occasion. Uh, I must admit I was a bit worried about coming to Australia at first. It being the country we sent all our criminals to and everything. But Australia is no longer just a penal colony for England's rapists and murderers. No, it's now a country in its own right or at least it was since you lot stole all the land off the Aborigines. Uh, I think I can speak on behalf of all of us when I say that I'm very pleased to hear that David's now married especially since at first we all thought he was a homosexual. Homosexual. But hopefully, Mia, you haven't just married one of those gays that's in denial for years. And then you come home and find him in bed shagging another man. Uh, but don't worry, Mia, there are signs to look out for, like anal sex. Apparently, if he's excessively into anal sex, then that's a sign, so look out for that one. Uh, I mean, it's fair enough if it's just occasional, you know I mean, I'm sure that you've tried it. Most couples try it, don't they, at some point? Uh, just... if you haven't tried it and you are gonna try it this evening, then just go easy on each other, don't whack it up dry, use some butter from the table or something...