(This got really long, but I beg of you - please read and respond to it...)
We are a young couple, both in the same year in the same degree program at university. For both of us this is our first relationship. We have been dating for almost 7 months, and are strongly considering and talking about getting married within the next year/year and a half. Neither of us feels that we need to date anyone else to know that what we have is amazing and that we would happily share our lives with each other. The more time that passes, the less we can imagine a life without the other. We have complete and total honesty and trust each other completely. We agree that any problem can be worked through as long as both parties are willing to compromise (not self-sacrifice though - neither of us would let the other do that anyways) and have an attitude of wanting to make the relationship work.
He's Christian, pretty much always been Christian. I was hovering around atheist when we met, have a background of a mix of pagan/Wiccan/atheist/agnostic, and now the closest thing that would describe me is Christian. He didn't convert me or force his views on me, we are both respectful of the other's religious standpoint. I'm actually still trying to figure out what I believe, but if I decided I couldn't accept Christianity, I feel secure knowing that he wouldn't just dump me. Wouldn't just end the relationship.
We spend a LOT of time together... From about 3 months into the relationship, we were basically spending every possible moment that we could, together. Cooking, talking, watching tv, gaming, even doing homework. That time together also includes a lot of being in the same room and enjoying each other's company, but doing different things.
We both agree on no sex before marriage, and also no living together before marriage. We are both physically affectionate, touchy-feely people, and not having sex... It's hard. Freaking hard! Much more difficult than either of us expected it to be. Maybe we make it harder on ourselves by spending so much time together, and we also tend to share the same bed and sleep together quite often. We live 2 hrs apart by public transit, 1 hr by car, so we end up staying at each other's houses quite often... It actually ends up being about 3-5 nights a week...
I'm 18, he's 22. Both in third year university. His parents are of the opinion "when are you guys getting married", my mom thinks that I should date other people (also thinks keeping secrets is a good idea... I don't agree.), and my dad was scarred by his marriage to my mom and thinks that no one should ever get married...
Anyways, my actual question(s) is this: has anyone been in a similar situation? Have you succeeded in not having sex until you were married? Do you think that waiting for sex until after you were married caused you to rush into the marriage? Do you think that age is a factor in marriage? Do you think that if both parties are totally open and honest about everything from the beginning, that dating for an extra year or two "just in case", is necessary?(especially if you feel that you already know)
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I welcome all comments/responses.
Avoid rushing into marriage for the wrong reasons?
2011-06-14 10:10 pm
回答 (8)
2011-06-15 1:31 am
✔ 最佳答案
I can't speak as someone in the same position; but I can speak as someone who is in a long, loving, committed, happy marriage.I do think open and honest is a given. Secrets aren't great; I wouldn't look to create any. I wouldn't say every secret is detrimental to the relationship-- I mean, I think it's okay not to tell him if, say, you had a sex dream about his best friend. But I wouldn't go doing things you know would hurt him and then lie about it.
And I'm also of the mind that not rushing into things-- especially when young-- is best.
I do think age is a factor. This is not to say your feelings aren't real, or your relationship isn't good; but early 20s is still (in our brains) the adolescent stage. We have no idea who we are going to be in 5 or 10 years. And it is so easy when we are young to be so sure of what we want, only to find out a couple years later we were wrong.
I respect abstinence and I can see how that might make you want to rush the marriage, but frankly I think it's really hard to judge things well when you're horny for each other. When you're hot and bothered you are in a very willing, forgiving, compliant state of mine; hormones are raging, which is why I think a situation can require even more time.
2011-06-14 10:34 pm
My response is kind of long, please read mine too:)
I think you should date for a few more years before getting married.
It takes years to fully get to know someone. It is also a good idea that you both decided to leave sex out of the equation. You should factor in your age in your decision. Time always reveals a person as they truly are. I cannot stress how beneficial it is to take your time. If you both truly love each other then there is no reason to rush, neither one of you are going anywhere right?
So many people fall into infatuation, the idea of love or even lust. Taking those fews years to decide it is truly love and that you are both willing to work on everything no matter what(Such as if you have children after marriage how will the child be raised religiously if you decide you are not Christian or do you pool your finances or keep them separate-A lot of marriages fail based on money.) There are so many nuances of marriage people never think of when they decide to get married. You sound like you are both perfect for each other. MAny people start off believing and feeling like that, in all honesty seven months is not a very long time.
I think you should date for a few more years before getting married.
It takes years to fully get to know someone. It is also a good idea that you both decided to leave sex out of the equation. You should factor in your age in your decision. Time always reveals a person as they truly are. I cannot stress how beneficial it is to take your time. If you both truly love each other then there is no reason to rush, neither one of you are going anywhere right?
So many people fall into infatuation, the idea of love or even lust. Taking those fews years to decide it is truly love and that you are both willing to work on everything no matter what(Such as if you have children after marriage how will the child be raised religiously if you decide you are not Christian or do you pool your finances or keep them separate-A lot of marriages fail based on money.) There are so many nuances of marriage people never think of when they decide to get married. You sound like you are both perfect for each other. MAny people start off believing and feeling like that, in all honesty seven months is not a very long time.
參考: I met my husband in 2003 we got married in 2007 and will be celebrating our fourth year of marriage in Sept. of this year. Even with all of the years I took, there were still a few issues I missed and it caused our marriage to get a little rocky. I even came on this site to ask other peoples opinions about our issues. I learned from the people on this site communication, communication, communication! When a problem arises(and they will it's only natural we are all human:)) always talk it all out even things you may not want to say. No one is a mind reader. I wish you all the best:)
2011-06-14 10:20 pm
It is your choices that matter. You said you both want to wait until marriage. Just enjoy each other and do as you have been. I think age can be a factor in marriage as sometimes the younger ones have not yet had enough chances to experience things of life yet...including dating other people. That does not mean you have to sleep with others or do things you do not want too. But by going out with others it allows you to see how many different kinds of people there are in the world. But then if you are happy where you are by all means. Being honest and open in communication is a solid rock to base your relationship on and waiting the extra time is not going to hurt either of you. It will help your relationship to grow and allow you to see any changes in your intended come out too. There are lots of things you go through in a relationship and then into marriage that make it what it is. It is work and hard. Nothing was said that marriage was a bed of Roses. Like life, marriage has its ups and downs, its ins and outs. There are pressures you both will face and have to work at together to make it through. I would do what feels right to me not to everyone else. In the end it is your life and what you do with it is what you have to live with. Not many at your ages are thinking like this about marriage and sleeping together. I wish you luck.
參考: Married 13 years and divorced 9.
2011-06-14 10:30 pm
As a Christian myself, I know that God tells us to wait until marriage for a sexual relationship because if not married, there is always a chance that you will change your mind. God wants married couples to be true to each other for life and if possible, be the only one you have been with because of diseases, guilt and your bodies belong to each other when married. Not before.
I am certain that it would be best to either get married, if he is the one for you and you are the one for him, or stop staying together overnight. Age is a factor in marriage because of maturity. Both parties must be totally open and honest about everything from the beginning. If you are not sure, probably the only way to find out is to date others. Although you say that you already know that you want to be with each other.
This is what God tells us about marriage.
Ephesians5:Instructions for Christian Households
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
I am certain that it would be best to either get married, if he is the one for you and you are the one for him, or stop staying together overnight. Age is a factor in marriage because of maturity. Both parties must be totally open and honest about everything from the beginning. If you are not sure, probably the only way to find out is to date others. Although you say that you already know that you want to be with each other.
This is what God tells us about marriage.
Ephesians5:Instructions for Christian Households
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
2016-05-15 8:34 am
In my faith (Forn Sed - a type of Nordic/Germanic Heathenism) my beloved and I are considered married even though we've never filed any legal documents on either continent we call home to that effect. In his faith (Taivaannaula - a type of Finnish Paganism) it's the same deal. We have chosen to give our respective deities more respect than we give the authorities of USA, Norway or Finland. We've sworn our oaths to one another and that's enough for us and our families. I would simply ask your friend why it is he is so god-believing yet seems to think the local authorities in the form of man's laws are above what he would undoubtedly believe his god brought together if you were married. I highly doubt Mary and Joseph went to the county clerk's office, paid for the privelege of being hubby and underaged wifey-poo and then paid someone else to sign the papers and then went back and filed papers. So were they living in sin? Someone who cannot or will not respect that you are not a member of their faith and are therefore not bound by its laws, who cannot or will not respect you enough to stay out of your personal relationships and mind their own business, who doesn't have the brain power to realize that you won't know if you want to marry someone (spiritual, legal or both) until you get to know them by going on a date or two or a hundred, well, they should be downgraded to "acquaintance" until they learn some manners. I feel sorry for people who let their faith get in the way of basic good manners and common sense. If they do it too often, the pity disappears and they get the "go away until you learn to conduct yourself like a decent, honorable human being" speech. It's really best for all involved, I've found.
2011-06-14 10:27 pm
ok, look, if it feels right, do it, if u want sex before marriage, have sex, if u don't want to, don't. if u want to get married now today, next week month or year, then get married, just don't get married for some one else, i never had the option of saving my self for marriage, as i was raped, but u do, so its ur choice, i think the idea originally came in because men wanted to be the only person his wife had been with, also the woman was thought of as pure if she was a virgin, that was the fashion at the time, its not the fashion now, its ur choice and i don't think waiting just in case is necessary, if it feels right do it, as for religion, u should be what u want, try them, what feels good, u have an inner self, listen to her, u have any questions, let her answer, hope this helps
2011-06-14 10:24 pm
I married my high school sweetheart. We stayed together for 17 years. We did wait till we were married to have sex and neither of us dated anyone seriously before each other. There were times in those 17 years when we both wondered what we might have missed out on. I just wondered. She acted on it. Now, I am divorced. Am I saying you are doomed to end the same way? No. Just go into it with your eyes wide open. Eventually one or both of you will be curious about what you might have missed out on.
2011-06-14 10:22 pm
If you have to ask us if you should get married or not then the answer is no you should not because if you were truly in love etc you would know in your own heart if you want to be married or not. Personally I didn't wait till I got married before having sex with husband, It was 1974 and we got engaged and then had sex and married 2 years later and divorced 20 years later. I slightly agree with your dad about not getting married, you are only 18 like I was when I got married and you have years ahead of you to consider marriage. Good Luck.
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