有冇人可以幫我改呢篇文?同埋比個grade

Say no to shopaholics Lastly (Why you need to use “lastly”? Is this your 1st paragraph? Should you use “firstly” instead?), Compulsive shopping behavour has become an alarming problem among teenagers. Some of them even go bankrupt (Must explain step by step why these teenagers will go bankrupted). John, who is my schoolmate, spends over more than three thousands of dollars for shopping every month. However But, it is difficult to unimaginable that his family is not rich. For the sake of In order to satisfy John’s desire, his parents give him financial supports and it in which helps promoting John to become a shopaholics. Unfortunately, it is just the tip of the iceberg. Some measures are recommended to be (Don’t be so definitive, always leave some spaces because this is not a statement that forcing people to obey law, regulations, rules or instructions) taken by the Government, parents and teenagers to tackle this acute problem. Indeed, compulsive shopping disorder may stem (Use bare-infinitive after any auxiliary verb) from small social circle (There isn’t have this word, do not make up a vocabularies yourself). For a person who has a small social circle, it is easy to get loneliness and has nothing to do (I understand yr meaning, but you express this incorrectly). As a result, they go shopping for just finding something to idle away the time. Consequently, they establish the habit of shopping and have addicted to it. Added to small social circle is gaining satisfaction (Completely awkward, unknown meaning, please correct it). The main culprit reason (Use the wrong word to describe the issue) of why people have this thought is that Hong Kong is a brand-conscious society (There isn’t have direct linkage between Hong Kong is brand-conscious society with shopaholics, you need to research more about how Hong Kong is a special region that we should keep our good reputation).


2011-03-22 22:48:13 補充：
Having fallen into this trap, endless chain of desire will have been (Predict that this situation will still continue in the future plus happens currently, hence use future present perfect passive tense) built up and

2011-03-22 22:49:01 補充：
{resort to shopaholic} (also use the wrong word to portray the issue matter, and grammatically incorrect, substitution is needed). Finally, the number of victims will increase more rapidly.

2011-03-22 22:49:28 補充：
Due to the word limitation that yahoo has set, I cannot correct the whole essay. If you need further checking, please contact me through this email: [email protected] (Steve).

2011-03-22 22:53:14 補充：
Until this paragraph, if the total mark is 50, then you will get C: 9/20, O: 8/15, V & L: 8/15, in total of 25/50, marginally pass, but strictly speaking this essay is not persuasive and without concrete information, plus lacking of personal viewpoints.

Yes, I need. Please point out that. Thank you!