英文題 睇下有沒錯

對你需要的不太明白，只能按文法修理一下：

Dear xx
I am a new staff of the Hong Kong office, The XXX customer will come to our office in a few weeks. They may pick up the sample [] here and pay by cash. Could you please provide me with the information of beanie samples for me to type up the debit note for the customer. The information should [] include[] the price , qty and style no. Thank you for your help!

不算太多錯，只是有些
should - 原形/現在動詞(不用s)的
和一些preposition似乎未識用/用錯。

See if it helps

hi xx
I am a new staff at the Hong Kong office, the XXX customer will come to our office in a few weeks. He may pick up the sample here and pay by cash. To help with my preparation of the debit note for the customer, I would appreciate it if you could provide me with the price, qty and style no of the beanie samples. Thank you for your help!

I rephrase some wordings to make it a bit more polite.

Hi XX,
I am a new staff of the Hong Kong office. The XXX customer will come to our office within a few weeks. They may pick up the sample in our office and pay them by cash. Can you please provide me with the beanie samples information including price, quantity, and style number; so that can assist me in typing the debit note with all of the pertaining details in the debit note. Thank you for your help!