請大家幫我看看這篇文,給一點寶貴意見

首先writer post文前應該先講清楚呢篇係一篇乜野類型既文
e.g.中學作文?論文?頂係隨心而寫?
否則你就會受到類似1樓呢d咁著眼於data既人既批評
overview黎睇...你實在好常用in addtion, in sum個類字
呢d字多用=/=你vocab多...因為你連表達都未夠清楚,人地只會記到一堆字,唔會見到一篇文
另外條logic line真係要清楚d...唔係人地完全唔明白你講既野
As you know, Macau is an International city. Thousands of visitors come here every year. In addition, a lot of large hotels have been completed in recent years, which makes a lot of vacant jobs in tourism. Thus, the first thing is high employment.
1.同2樓一樣,as you know真係多餘左。
2.跟住睇唔到個關係
3.如上

Moreover, Macau government has actively been developing tourism. It has spent a deal of money on training in management of hotel. If you are interested in working tourism, you must not worry about training. Thus, the second thing is the support of government.

1.呢到用現在進行式已可,不用故意再用現在完成進行式
2.我只學過a great deal of 如果有a deal of就當我孤陋寡聞
3.must not既意思係不可以(完全強硬的語氣),同你既句子完全唔match= =
needn't會較好
4.又係冇左logic=.=

In sum, both high employment and the support of government will benefit some graduates in management of hotel the most.
1.又係冇logic(因為你上面都未解清,下面既result更難明白
2.完全唔明你既意思= =你意思想話2樣野對畢業生好有利,但你又用some(即表示只有部分畢業生好有利),個tone同埋你個立場好怪

People think management of gambling will benefit Macau the most, on the contrary, it has been outdated. Because of the fast development, no merchant will build or invest on gambling house now. In addition, there are a lot of graduates in the market, which makes you look for job difficultly. Thus, not only doesn’t management of gambling help Macau with employment, but also it makes a lot of unemployed people and so on.

1.唔明個logic
2.唔明logic=.=
3.更加唔明你既so on係表示d咩=.=


In sum, no new gambling house and a lot of unemployed people is disadvantage for management of gambling. So management of hotel is better than management of gambling.
1.你本身講2樣野...用are=.=
2.你要用the=.=
3.成段既logic又係有問題



2011-02-04 18:27:26 補充：
Last but not least, if University of Macau decides to offer management of hotel and you are interested in working it. How will you study well? How will you benefit Macau from economy?
1.你起呢度用if只有情況,冇結果=.=
2.what?

除了001的意見，其實文法和句式上都好多錯，雖然大意上是會明白的，但不似一篇英文。

以一段為例：
As you know, Macau is an International city. Thousands of visitors come here every year. In addition, a lot of large hotels have been completed in recent years, which makes a lot of vacant jobs in tourism. Thus, the first thing is high employment.


As yo know 是有點餘的。In addition亦用錯，因為前句的thousand of visitor跟句的a lot of hotels..和vacant jobs(這詞亦是錯用了-這意思是有有空職位冇人去做才叫做vacant jobs-我想你的意思是有很多職位等人去做)之間的關係不是「遞進」的，所以不應用in addition這連接詞。這些連接詞(moreover, thus, 等)的誤用亦是你的習慣。

Macau is an international city, with thousnads of vistors every year, and a lot of hotels have been completed in recent years. The first thing it needs is quality people to work and manage these hotels.

其他的留待你自己修理了，因為你每段的寫法都差不多。

篇文章唔係幾夠academic, 同埋論點冇乜solid data support, 上google揾下澳門賭博業同旅遊業嘅economy資料放入去會好啲，比如話由2007年到2010年酒店業利潤增長多小.....etc, 同埋你寫hotel management 不如寫management of hospitality? 起碼作為大學嘅Major，hospitality嘅內容會全面啲。同埋最後做乜反問返自己??? 好似你對自己寫乜都唔知0甘

2011-02-07 16:52:16 補充：
呢篇點睇都係關Marketing事啦，好似4樓不停講logic真係睇到人都shot，係marketing世界入面最緊要係你掌握幾多數據，所以先有data analysis，its all about "Research" and "Development" 佢淨係認Judge人地文法同有冇"logic"， 不如教下佢邊度攞料先，你篇文有料啲miss阿sir梗俾高分啲啦，你冇research過又冇証據去證明你論點就寫得會亂啲，

2011-02-07 16:55:35 補充：
不過其他人都講得有道理，因為你篇文幾有point都好，人地睇唔明都冇用，同埋你篇文見到重複用Thus, in sum 呢啲字眼會俾讀者睇到好煩，寫essay好似寫故事書o甘，完整性好重要，唔好以為分開一段段寫就得。
Tips:
01：你intro 寫得太短，其實你可以上網揾是但一篇essay，睇下人地點寫，再改成自己version 會仲快，同時又可以吸收到下次可以寫得好啲

2011-02-07 16:56:08 補充：
02：Thousands of visitors come here every year 睇落去係年年都得上千人去澳門? 呢個時候research就最有用, eg. In research, approx. 12345678 people have been visit to Macau....，你有數據就俾人對你篇野有信心。

2011-02-07 16:57:19 補充：
03：英文文法同中文好唔同
In addition, there are a lot of graduates... but also it makes a lot of unemployed people and so on.
呢段文法錯哂人地唔知你寫乜
Thousands of student graduates every year, but Gambling industry can not fulfil the employment market, thats why they need another option for lower the unemployment rate.