神幫那些幫自己的人

你有好多問題, 差不多句句都有, 所以不可一一解答, 我改的你不明再補問吧!以下(Version1)是只略改文化問題, 還有句式和結構等問題我已在此後給你(Version2).Version 1 And Version 2: http://hk.myblog.yahoo.com/wongkongyan123/article?mid=777
以下我給少少意見:

1. Poor grammar due to many grammatical mistakes
最大問題是你的文化很弱, 建議盡快補補. 例如, 你的第一句是兩句獨立句子不可完全放在同一句, 一係將佢地分開做兩回; 一係加連接詞(Transitional words). 另外, 寫故事要用過去式. 這是你時式(Tenses)果部分不熟.2. No organization
你要舉數個故事都冇先清楚交代, 一來到就甲做咩、乙做咩, 一讀落去就怪, 無啦啦講故仔. 呢啲故事跟你的第一段有什麼關聯要先再講故仔前話俾讀者知.3. No knowledge of the structure or format of argumentative essay
我見你舉啲例, 頭尾都想講出你的立場. 這方向似你想寫議論文(Argumentative Essay). 我們要論證啲論點時甚少用故事, 因不夠強, 除非是經典名作. 通常, 我們用時事例子(Current news/affairs).4. Thinking clearly
你思路有啲不清. 例如, ‘…Our parents always say it. But some people think it is wrong but I don’t.’, 你已舉左聖經名言, 已夠強, 不用重覆話 ‘Some people…’ 後再反駁呢招 ‘Some groups of people say/argue/claim XXX…’ 是用來寫反方的論點, 然反駁, 以減低反方論點的強度, 加強自己語氣. 另外, 你的 ‘Many people think the bible is wrong because they are secular. In fact, most of bibles are moral.’, 就是我所講的技巧, 但這不完美. ‘Secular’ 解非宗教的, 你可將這字放在 people 前, 說明他們的角色. 後可不用話 ‘because they are secular’ 因長氣及有少少怪. 因為佢地不是信教者所以就覺得聖經講的錯…但有很多非信教者也會覺是聖經講的對. 其實佢地係是因為佢地盲目判斷, 咁聽起來會唔會更合理呢? 所以我幫左你改成: Many secular people think that Bible is a kind of swindles because they turned a blind eye. Last, please refer to this link for what to do to write an essay: http://hk.knowledge.yahoo.com/question/question?qid=7010061001854

2010-08-29 20:45:48 補充：
By the way, the most impressive thing that I can't keep silent is your last sentence. You have good sense to write this sentence, but you should be more careful for your grammar. It should be corrected like this: Only if you help yourself can God help you.

2010-08-29 20:50:34 補充：
You have a good sense to write and you got some skills. However, you should be more proficient. And the only way to make good use of your skills is to practice more.

2010-08-29 20:54:49 補充：
Many secular people think that Bible is a kind of swindles because they turned a blind eye.
--->
Many secular people think that Bible is a kind of swindles because they turn a blind eye.

題目不來自聖經，是引伸自信仰理念。評論寫法會用[ ]。

God helps those who help themselves is a believe by many. Our parents always say it. XX Some people think it is not true but I do. [不能but再but]

Peter is a clever student who is always praised by his teachers. But he doesn’t like to study, doesn’t work hard at school, and he likes to play. So he always fails his test. His mother is always complain about it. Therefore, even if you are a clever study, you will need to study hard in order to pass the tests.

[如是故事，上段轉past tense]Gavin worked for a commercial company after his graduation. He wanted to be a CEO but it was difficult for him. Because of the company being famous, he had to master social intercourse, had a high education background and many practical experience etc. After seven years, he left the company and set up his first company. The business is getting better day-by-day. He is a CEO now.

Once upon a time, two men tramped on island. There was nothing but salt water and trees. One tried different ways to leave XX. Another thought he would die there.
After three days, the hard-working one found a water source but XX the lazy another died of thirst. After four days, the person was rescued.[saved是中文意思「拯救」但英文比較常用的「被救」是rescue，宗教上saved英文人會自動把這字是指信耶穌得救。既然你說懶的必敗，就跟幸運與否unfortunately無關] In this story, two men had different attitudes. One was positive, another negative. Their life was determined by their attitude

Many people think that the bible is wrong because they are secular. In fact, most teachings in the bible are morally correct. [wrong對correct。死物(bible)是不能有道德的，它只能有道德意識形容詞]For example, the bible only teaches us to help people rather than killing people.[請小心引證這點-聖經內神不殺人，「只」有這樣的立場？] It only teaches us to be modest about our success rather than showing off our success etc. [不用only比較好]So I think they have a bias towards the bible. [記住「對」某好感的寫法]

No pain, no gain. If God helps those who don’t go through pain, it is not fair to the hard-working people. Only if you help yourself can God help you.