IELTS GT 改文 ( TASK 1)15點

Dear Sir/Madam,

I stayed at your hotel from 1 June to 7 June. When I arrived in Hong Kong, I discovered that I lost my watch. The last time I saw my watch was in the room I lived in. In addition, I went to the restaurant and washroom before departure.

My black male's watch embeds jewelry on its surface.Though it is not expensive,it is important to me because it was the last gift given by my grandmother. Would it be possible for you to help me find the watch? .
Please call me if you retrieve it. I will pay the fare for the postage. Your
help is greatly appreciated.

Yours faithfully,
Jim Fung


Suggestions:

Some of the contents are irrelevant like the part of your deceased mother.
It is because the letter should be given to the hotel manager,not your relatives.
So,you need not write so much details about your personal issue.
In other words, please think about the receiver who you write to.

One idea is quite confusing ----- with a black back group.

"Perhaps you can ask your staff or check the lost property in case"
The sentence above shows your suspicion of the stealer.
That is to say,you believe the staff of the hotel are the stealer.
Furthermore, it seems like an imperative more than a request.

"Yours sincerely" is used if you know the receiver's name.
Please add more details on your contact method like phone number
as well as the postage.

Grade you get: C

你應該詳細記下你住邊間房
Example : Those day I was book the Rm XXX
然後留下聯絡電話
My telephone no is 69999999
基本上冇咩問題
努力!