Please help me to correct it

My opinion : (本人是在公司做management都好一段時間)
第一句太長.. 而且睇來悶左..而其他的都太長.
以公商業型式去寫, 簡而精系好..
而且.. 以你以上內容.. 你想人畀機會你, 你要表示多一點你可以付出嘅 contribution. Personal ability就唔啱.. 而且.. 唔應該只系考慮你自己.. 你系都好, 都要寫得大體啲.
而且.. hope之後系唔會用could, would.. 應該用can…. *現在式的.. 系英文慣例..

Dear xxxxx

After working in the IT support for couple years, I hope that my contributions are satisfied by your company. I see that there are opportunities moving forward to move on my contributions there inasmuch of the ongoing projects on XXXIT. I will surely continuous to give my greatest contribution in a long run.
With my capabilities, hope that there is a chance for a promotion that shows as recognition from the company. It thus encourages myself taking greater challenges.
Last, with the new system, Oracle technology, I am also seeking for a chance attending technical training in WebLogic and Database Administration.
Would u please kindly comment and advise?

Best Regards,
xxxxxx

2010-04-26 12:45:21 補充：
第一段 : " 更新"
After working in the IT support for couple years, I hope that my contributions are satisfied by "the" company. I see that there are opportunities moving on "with the new projects on XXXIT that enables to carry on my contributions in a long run".
其他不變

2010-04-26 14:23:01 補充：
Version (2) .... (cont.)
Thanks for giving me chance to serve this company that motivates my career moving assertively to success. With the Oracle system and new projects in placed on XXXIT, it seems to be opportunities for me making headway.

2010-04-26 14:24:48 補充：
Version (2) ... (end)
In a way, I hope that my efforts are recognized and appreciated that deserves for promotion. I Inasmuch enable to take more challenges and to grow with this company.

2010-04-26 14:25:37 補充：
Version (2) ... (end) -- 對上, 系未完... 而家先完
In a long-run, it would be great allowing me to take the training course of the Oracle Web Logic and the Oracle Data Administration.
I am looking forwarding to hearing your comments asap.

Thanks, best regards,

recommend 比HR

你話 recommend Oracle WebLogic 和 Oracle Database Administration Training；你究竟 recommend 依 D俾邊個？