找grammar mistake（中二程度）趕交功課....

Dear Diary,



Do you believe that we could stay young forever? Have you ever been to a place called ‘Neverland’ in where The Lost Boys live ?



Several months ago, a boy called Peter Pan carried my brothers and me to the Neverland. In the Neverland, there were beautiful mermaids swimming in the lagoon and fairies flying in the sky and helping people. Everyone wase carefree.



We lived in the underground home which was a secret and safety place. We should be careful to the pirate captain James Hook. He was our enemy. One day, he caught us to his pirate ship Jolly Roger. Peter Pan had a fight with him. He was defeated and eaten by the crocodile. We occupied Jolly Roger. It was an exciting adventure.



Peter pan, who could fly and magically refuse to grow up, is my good friend. He spent his never-ending childhood adventuring in the Neverland. He was courageous and intelligent. He saved us from James Hook. I envy him that he could refuse to grow up. However, I must grow up.



Several months later, I had to go back home. I could not stay with Peter Pan but my mother promised that I could go to the Neveralnd every spring. Then I wish spring to come quickly!



Yours



Wendy

Dear Diary,

Do you believe that we can stay young forever? Have you ever been to a place called the ‘Neverland’ where is a place for the Lost Boys to live in?

Several months ago, a boy called Peter Pan carried my brothers and me to the Neverland. In the Neverland, there were beautiful mermaids swimming in the lagoon and fairies flying in the sky and helping people. Everyone were carefree.

We lived in an underground home which was a secret and safety place. We should be careful to the pirate captain James Hook. He was our enemy. One day, he caught us to his pirate ship Jolly Roger. Peter Pan had a fight with him. He was defeated and eaten by the crocodile. We occupied the Jolly Roger. It was an exciting adventure.

Peter pan, who can fly and magically refused to grow up, is my good friend. He spent his never-ending childhood adventuring in Neverland. He was courageous and intelligent. He saved us from James Hook. I envy him could refuse to grow up. However, I must grow up.

Several months later, I must go back home. I could not stay with Peter Pan but my mother promised that I can go to Neverland every spring. Thus I want spring to come quickly!

Yours

Wendy

Fairly good for a F2 and good layout of paragraph in saying different things. But still much to learn/practice in writing sentences in correct grammar. Also be consistent in using past tense in the "story" for the diary.


Dear Diary,

Do you believe that we can stay young forever? Have you ever been to a place called the ‘Neverland’ where [] The Lost Boys lives?

Several months ago, a boy called Peter Pan carried me and my brothers to the Neverland. In the Neverland, [] beautiful mermaids swam in the lagoon and fairies flew in the sky and helped people. Everyone were carefree.

We lived in an underground home which was a secret and safe place. We were cautious about the pirate captain called James Hook. He was our enemy. One day, he caught us and brought us to his pirate ship, the Jolly Roger. Peter Pan had a fight with him. He was defeated and eaten by a crocodile. We occupied the Jolly Roger. It was an exciting adventure.


Peter pan, who could fly and magically refused to grow up, is my good friend. He spent his never-ending childhood adventuring in the Neverland. He was courageous and intelligent. He saved us from James Hook. I envied him that he could refuse to grow up. However, I had to grow up.
[the past tense of "must" is "had to"]


Several months later, I had to go back home. I could not stay with Peter Pan but my mother promised that I could go to the Neveralnd every Spring. Thus I wished Spring would come quickly!
[Sping大階是春天，小階是水泉] [Thus這個字可能是F3以上的，但你可以試下學，意思是「因此」，你用的Then意思是「之後」。]


Yours,

Wendy

1. You should either use "Neverland" or "The Neverland", but not interchangeably

2. "There were ... _swam_ ... and ... _flew_ ..."
You should change them to "swimming" and "flying" respectively, or rephrase the sentence to subordinate clause

2010-04-21 11:04:44 補充：
(Several notes on English usage)

1. You should either use "Neverland" or "The Neverland", but not interchangeably

2. "There were ... _swam_ ... and ... _flew_ ..."
You should change them to "swimming" and "flying" respectively, or rephrase the sentence to subordinate clause

3. "We should be careful to the pirate captain James Hook"
When you use "careful" with a person, you should use "with" or "about" instead of "to"

4. "He was defeated and eaten by the crocodile"
Small problem about "the" and "a". As you have ever mentioned about any crocodile, it's weird to use "the" here.

5. "courageous"
Just a little problem on usage. "Courageous" isn't used so often with a person. You may use it in "courageous speech", "courageous manner", etc. But it is technically correct.

6. "he could refuse to grow up"
It is chi-english. "He could remain young" or equivalent expression should be used.

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Dear diary,
Do you believe that we can stay young forever? Have you ever been TO a place called ‘Neverland’ where The Lost Boys live in?
Several months ago, a boy called Peter Pan carried my brothers and me to the Neverland. In the Neverland, there were beautiful mermaids swimming in the lagoon and fairies flying in the sky and helping people. Everyone WAS carefree.
We lived in the underground home where was a secret and A safe place. We MUST BE careful to the pirate captain James Hook WHO was our enemy. One day, he caught us to his pirate ship NAMED Jolly Roger. Peter Pan had a fight with him. IN THE END, HOOK(you can’t use pronoun because it is too confusing…who is he? It can be Peter Pan too) was defeated and eaten by the crocodile. We occupied Jolly Roger. It was an exciting adventure.
Peter pan, who could fly magically but refuse to grow up, is my best friend. He spent his never-ending childhood adventuring in Neverland. He was courageous and intelligent. He saved us from James Hook. I envyed him because he could refuse to grow up whereas on the other hand, I must grow up.
Several months later, I must RETURN home. I cannot stay with Peter Pan but my mother promised that I can go to Neveralnd every spring. I wish the spring can arrive quickly again!

Yours,
Wendy
Comment: Overall you did a good job. That are not many mistakes i found (you should see another i had answered in this website before, some people...oh Godness...i don't even want to think about them) Anyways, i think that you should add or rewrite the last paragraph because it dosen't sound smooth enought. It doesn't fit well in the letter. I don't know how to explain it but in my opinion i don't like the last paragraph. I strongly suggest you to fix that before you handed it

Godd luck with your assignment!