可以帮我看一看英文校刊写对吗?

Recently, our school's Geography Society launched a visit to a jam-making factory. Thanks to the manager, he explained us the jam manufacturing process detaily.

First of all, fruits were picked freshly from the orchard. Afterwards, they would be cleaned and chopped into slices. Then, they were blended, extracted and poured into a pulp machine, in which the material was heated up so that the pulp could be removed. For the final step, sugar and flavouring were added. After bottling, all products would be shipped in boxes immediately.

We all agreed that we had learnt a lot about the manufacture of jam in this visit.

The jam-making factory manager explains the jam manufacturing process.改為 :
The jam-making factory manager explained the jam manufacturing process as follow :
the workers in fruits picked fresh from the orchard改為 :
the workers pick fresh fruits from the orchard
will take the fruits cleaned and chopped slice改為:
The fruits will be cleaned and chopped into slices
extraction excess juice removed改為:
removed excess juice
heat up wear to pulp removed這句不太明白你想表達什麼。
flavouring added up to par改為:
and with suitable flavouring
immediately into the bottle and labeled.改為:
and immediately put into the bottles with labels.
Finally, workers shipped out to jam with boxes. 改為:
Finally, workers ship out bottles of jam in boxes.

寫得好好。Good English.