批改英文作文

第1段問題:
你有用新字,,但系太悶,,原因系你冇做咩引入.
第2段問題:
a.系improve our effiency
b.3句we can你冇嘗試連接佢地,,令到sentence pattern變弱.
c.elaboration唔夠,,用中文講,,幾秒講完.
第3段問題:
a.convenience冇話lots 唔lots of,,最好唔要lots of
b.都系vocab唔夠,,例如你可以用:
1.up-to-date
2.up-to-the-minute news /information
3.get through= understand= make head or tail
4.thoronghly = inside out (透徹地)
第4段問題:
a.系instant- message systems,,你要比下例子,,如Msn
b.horizon有"s"
c.elaboration唔夠
第5段問題:
a.系their families
b.系to a little screen
c.系complaints,,唔系complains
d.but通常唔會用系開頭,,唔系錯,,但系唔系咁好,,你可以用:
however = instead = rather
e.系plan our time,,唔系distribute
f.系we had better use,,唔系we better se,,意思唔岩
最後一段問題:
a.冇深刻正面意識帶出
b.冇解決方法
不太完善

你有嘗試用新vocab,,但系應該用新vocab ge你好少會用,,如呢d字:
know = make head or tail = get through
teenager = the young = youth = youngster = adolescent
important = vital = essential
because = since = as
However, = Instead, = Rather,
... , whereupon = therefore = so = ... , thereby (+gerund)
同埋你好少用sentence pattern,,如:
the more the more
the more the less
it is xxx for xxx to xxx
Having p.p. ,...
because of (sth), ...
倒裝句: Little do they know about the immeasurable harm of...
同埋,,你太少agrumentative 用ge字,,如:
用副詞開頭 如Belivably,...
Contrary to popular belief,...
perspective = remark
同埋,,你次次段開頭表達太過沉悶,,如:
the main reason is ....
你唔使一定要用呢d,,你可以話某d news你睇到d咩作引入
你都可以講到個問題有幾嚴重,,用d字去形容下,,令人冇咁悶
等等,,我仲有好多方法令到一篇文生動d,,可以+我msn
[email protected]

同埋你呢篇文系HKCEE around E-D grade,,應該C 唔到.

My opinion ONLY:

Introduction:
1) proverb quotation is not suggested. HKEAA has a list of sentences that are not encouraged candidates to use. If you do want to use proverb, it stills okay, but you would give an impression that is memorization of some sample compositions to markers. However, there is a clear thesis statement that can give an overview structure and content to the marker.

Content:
First of all, the main reason is that computer can enhance the efficiency of work...(you should elaborate more points here so as to stress how efficiency. For example, you can compare the era with and without computers...)

My opinion is that you should elaborate more on your points. Some paragraphs just have an idea without more explanations. This composition still has improvable place...but the best place is that the structure is very clear and suitable paragraphings. Markers like this way of presentation. Keep it on!

For the overall performance of this composition, the CE grade may be E only...

add oil....practice more...you may gain D or above.

point唔夠強, 悶, 你要想出人地無既point你先會win到