Thinking about adoption.....can you help answer some questions?

My husband and I were in a similar situation when we decided to adopt. We wanted children, but did not feel like we needed biological children, so we chose to adopt. We decided to adopt a sibling group that included older children, so we have had the experience of older children as well as several children entering the family at the same time.

1) What are the reasons why someone would give an older child up for adoption?

In some cases older children are removed from their first families because of abuse or neglect. Sometimes the child is removed earlier in life but not adopted in which case they have likely been in several foster or group homes. In some cases, the parents have died and the state can't find relatives to take the child. Some children are voluntarily relinquished. Each situation is different and you will likely find out your child's specifics upon referral.

2) Can you give an example of some of the difficulties I could expect from adopting an older child?

Again, this varies. Our children had particularly hard pasts and we had a rough adjustment. I don't mean to scare you, but you asked for honesty I want to help prepare you. My children were quite violent physically. For the first months as a family I was covered in bruises. The children were not malicious, they simply had no understanding of how to solve a problem outside of violence. The first time our oldest son got in trouble and we told he would be in time-out, he scrambled under the bed, terrified that we would beat him. We had to move the bed, pick him up, and sit on either side of him so that he would stay in time out. He had to learn that he didn't have to hide to prevent getting hurt.

The emotional bond will take time to form as well. My children did not want to be touched or have any kind of positive attention (any attention for that matter). I am a particularly "touchy" and "cuddly" person, and would just begin to play with them until they said "no." Each day the play time would get longer and longer and now my kids are physically appropriate and quite affectionate.

Every child reacts differently, so each situation will be different. Your agency should provide you with more experiences and tactics to successfully navigate them as part of the information and homestudy process.

3) Do you believe that a child that is adopted needs to be in therapy for the rest of their life to help handle issues that arise?

Our oldest son is in therapy, but the therapist is confident that lifelong therapy is not needed. My other 2 children have seen the therapist occassionally, but do not need to go on a regular basis and likely will not need ongoing therapy.

4) After your home study, etc are completed and you appear that you will be a good candidate to adopt, how many children do they submit to you?

As part of the homestudy process the social worker will ask you if you are interested in a sibling group and/or how many children you intend to adopt. You may tell them how many children you would like as well as the age range of the children.

6) If you yourself were an adoptive parent, please explain any feelings that you had during the transition.

As a parent, the hardest transition for me was going from no children to three. We spend a lot of time together as a family--I don't let my children watch a ton of tv or play video games all that often, so the biggest adjustment was losing solitude and time to myself.

In addition, I had a tough time shifting the balance of my life to a schedule. With three children, the spontaneous moments tend to be few and far between. Getting them ready and out the door and the van loaded takes at least 20 minutes on the best of days. :)

These are things that all parents face, I think.

7) Do you think that I will have a difficult time having never been a parent before?

I think parenting is a hands-on learning process. Everyone starts out never having done it before. The best that you can do is find out all the info you can (which you are doing) and make the best choices you can at the time.

8) How long did it take for you from application to getting the child in your home?

It was 8 months for us. That included the applications, homestudy, referral and placement.

9) How long does it take for the child to "settle in" or feel comfortable at their new home?

This again depends on the child. One of our children was immediately settled, the other two took some time. It can take months or sometimes years. I was told that a good rule is for it to take half the age they are when coming to you. So, if you have an 8 year old, it can take as long as 4 years before they truly trust that you will stick around.

We have been a family over a year and even though my kids tell me how much they love me and call me mom, just yesterday when I took a step away form my son when he wasn't paying attention, he freaked out when he realized I wasn't where he expected, ran to me and said, "I just thought you might leave me here."

10) What do you feel has been the biggest reward from adopting a child?

My favorite thing about being part of this family is that we laugh a lot. My children are clever and witty and starting to really come out of their shells which is a kick to see. I like to see how they are coming into their own and I am so excited about the adults they are going to be!

This is quite long, but if you would like to email me, I would be happy to answer any other questions you have.

Good luck with the process (it can be emotionally taxing at times)!

WOW! You guys sound like a great team of caring people! I'll see if I can answer some questions, but you can ask anything at the orientation.
1) The parent may be found unfit later in the child's life, or they have been in foster care all of or most of their lives. The child may have no one else to take care of him or her from the family
2) You mentioned behavior and metal problems, along with physical disabilities.
3) Maybe some therapy to deal with the change, but it may not be necessary for ever. A good child therapist will teach them skills to deal with their own problems after a time.
4) I think this may vary.
5)sorry not adopted
6) I know a family who adopted two little Chinese girls, they were so happy to have them (buy the way to are very well adjusted girls now, after three years of living here).
7) No parent is fully prepared, even with a new baby. welcome to parenthood.
I'm not sure of the rest, I'm just trying to be helpful to you guys.
Good Luck! Look for a support group in your area, networking always helps!

1) What are the reasons why someone would give an older child up for adoption? Obviously the sites never mention why the children are up for adoption.
-Most olders children are removed from their home due to neglect, abuse, undesirable behavior, loss of a parent, parents medical condition making them feel as if they can't care for their child, and sometimes false abuse/neglect charges.

2) Can you give an example of some of the difficulties I could expect from adopting an older child?
-Older chilren may have memories of what lead to their adoptions, guilt for "causing" pain to their parent.

3) Do you believe that a child that is adopted needs to be in therapy for the rest of their life to help handle issues that arise?
-Some do, some don't. Be willing to listen, not judge and provide all the emotional unconditional support you can.

4) After your home study, etc are completed and you appear that you will be a good candidate to adopt, how many children do they submit to you?
-IDK

5) If you yourself were adopted, please explain any feelings that you had during the transition.
-Not adopted

6) If you yourself were an adoptive parent, please explain any feelings that you had during the transition.
-I felt like a parent, I dodn't hold back, knowing he could go back.

7) Do you think that I will have a difficult time having never been a parent before?
-You'll learn as you go. All parents are a first time parent at some point.

8) How long did it take for you from application to getting the child in your home?
-He was with us fo 13 months before we applied for adoption.

9) How long does it take for the child to "settle in" or feel comfortable at their new home?
-It ill be different for every child. Some never feel settled, some are just happy to be in a perminant home, some just wantto go home.

10) What do you feel has been the biggest reward from adopting a child?
-Knowing that I can give him what he needs in an ethical and moral way. I am glad we was adopted by people who will maintain a relationship, not just because it's right, but also because we like his parents and it FEELS right

I think it's great that you want to adopt an older child. Most older children who are adopted aren't "given up" by their biological parents. Most are in foster care, so they've had something happen in their lives that makes it not safe or available for them to live with biological family. I think you'd be more likely to find an older child available for adoption through a foster/adopt program than an agency. Good luck to you.

MY brother and sister in law adopted two half sisters 3 years ago so maybe I can answer some of your questions They were 7 and 8 at the time of adoption. My sister in law is also a child protection worker :)

1) These children have often been in foster care as they were taken away from their parents for a variety of reasons when they were younger and the vast majority of people wish to adopt babies, not older children (so kudos to you) and these children often disappear into foster care oblivion.

2)Older children often have more of an idea of what has happened to them. They have abandonment issues and need a lot of reassurance that this isn't going to happen again since they've been bounced around through several foster homes and often neglected. Also, if they were taken from an abuse case, they are old enough to recall what has happened to them while a baby would not have such memories. They often need therapy to deal with what has happened in the past.

3) Every child is different. Both of my nieces began in therapy but only one remains there (she is the older of the two and has a much harsher past to deal with). I don't believe therapy will always be required but she is 11 and still working through her issues.

4) The number of children they submit to you depends on who they have available for adoption that essentially meet your requests. They will go out of the way to fit a child to you because they want these children in happy, healthy homes.

5) I wasn't adopted so I can't help you there.

6) I can't help you with this one either, sorry.

7) My brother and sister in law had no previous children, but did have a love for children. They've had no issues adjusting as far as I can tell. It's a learning experience for sure, but having your own baby would be the same way.

8) The girls were 5 and 6 when the whole process started and moved in at 7 and 8 so it was a couple of years, but there were other issues that had to be taken to court (like a no contact order from the mother and such other legal issues) which do not arise in all cases.

9) The adjustment period depends on the individual child. My nieces took a few months before they really felt 'at home'.

10) I think knowing that you're helping a child and giving them the love, the home and the opportunities they would have never otherwise had is a huge reward. Making a child happy that may have suffered if you had not intervened is an incredible feeling, I see it all the time.

I hope everything goes well for you, and I hope I helped.

First Bless you and your husband for wanting to adopt an older child(ren).

1. Often times children who are older and available for adoption their parents were found unfit for some reason and lost their rights, did not do what they need to get custody back or in some cases just gave up their rights willing. Its also possible their parents may have died and no one else in their natural family was willing or capable to take them. It just depends every child situation will be different.

2.This can certainly vary even more on what the child’s past history has been , were they neglected or abused by their natural parents. Were they exposed to drugs or other thing while in the womb. They may have some attachment/bonding issues even more if they have not really had a good constant parent in their life. They might feel they have to act perfectly or risk getting sent away. I watched an adoption story the man adopted two brothers who were 16 and 14 and had been in foster care for since they were young toddlers. He said it took them several months to realize that this was their home and no matter what they did this would always be their home.

3.That really depends and I am sure a therapist can recommend that. If it benefits the child then if they need long term therapy that’s what they need.

4.I don’t know they will try to match you up with a child(ren) that they feel is a good fit.

5.I am adopted but I was adopted at 3 years old but had been with the family that adopted me since I was 3 weeks old.

7.I think it just depends some people fall into parenting natural , while others it may take time to get into the groove so to speak.

9. Again that can just depend on the child it could happen quickly or it could take months and in some cases even years.

10. I have not adopted (though hope to one day) but I would think that the knowledge you have given a child that truly needs a home and parent(s) that. You are able to see them grow and become better people, learn that yes they can depend on someone, they are worthy of being loved and having a good life.

Lots of great answer already so I'll keep it short. First check out this web page to see boys available. Not all children are listed, I'm sure your licensor will show you those in your area first.
http://www.adoptuskids.org/Child/ChildSearch.aspx

Also you didn't say who you were working with, hopefully you know you can find the same children getting liscenced through the state at no cost to you.

Some of these children will be in wonderful foster homes that just don't feel they can adopt. So you should be able to find a fairly well adjusted child, that doesn't mean it will be easy. I'm sure you can handle it. Congrats and thanks!

1. Just because a child is older, doesn't mean that they were just recently put up for adoption. Many children end up in foster care and as they grow older they become less and less "adoptable" (because most people want to get an infant). There are many different reasons that parents put their children up for adoption, so it definitely varies from child to child.

2. Difficulties really run the gamut, but in every adoption there are issues of loss, identity (who am i?), attachment, etc. It's difficult for them and it will be difficult for you, but I think if you keep their experience in mind, and really let them be open about their experiences, you can create a trusting relationship.

3. I do believe that therapy is a good idea...but I don't think it should be forced. I think a family environment that is open to talking about the loss and pain and anything that comes up is already ahead of the game.

9. It may take YEARS for a child to 'settle' in...remember that they, at one time, felt safe in their biological family and then lost them...I was adopted as an infant and I STILL worry that my 'forever family' will abandon me. They may appear to settle in, but their internal emotions may be very different (speaking from experience!).

Also, keep in mind that you will be this child's new family, but their first family is very much a part of them, and important to them, so please foster a relationship with them so that your child will have help with knowing his identitty!

Btw, I think it's great that you are considering foster adoption of an older child. There are lots of emotions that are involved, so definitely read up on the adoption experience & also consider joining in on adoption rights advocacy...currently in the U.S. adoptees are considered 2nd class citizens who are not able to have access to their OWN records!

The Primal Wound.
Journey of the Adopted Self.
Adoption Wisdom.
Beneath the Mask.

y notu ask these q to the people that u said that u knew that were apoted.. ued get better answer from personal experince comapred to online strangers

I'm confused to why you do not want a child of your own.Do you wish to skip the early years? Children from foster homes are usually abused kids,and need alot of emotional support.They do need therapies to adjust.The agency is going to be interested to know why you chose not to have your own.I'll be frank,but you sound selfish in that you wish to skip the baby years.These kids need alot of attention,patience,and understanding.It could take a long time for them to adjust.Are you up for this challenge?