請幫忙修改句子

Every night, security police patrol EM and pass this dark corridor.

security guard...(他並不是警察)
patrols EM and passes...(得一個人)
a dark corridor...(前文沒提過~不能用the)


At the end of the corridor, security police found a person lying on the stairs. Security police called the police immediately. Police rushed to the scene and investigate the case. Police found the deceased had been dead for one hour.

前一段說是"每一天"~這裏突然變了"某一天"~
應該加"One night, at the end of the corridor..."
the security guard...(是之前提到的那個~要加the~)
He called...(不然會太重覆)

"Police found the deceased had been dead for one hour." 是(警方發現死者已死了一小時)
(經過三個月的調查,也沒有任何進展。)卻是"After 3 months of investigation, the case remained stuck."


The case was handed over to a teenage boy who often bullied by female classmates at the School. His name is 金田鍾

...teenage boy, who was often bullied...(was bullied 被欺負~)
(teenage boy who was often bullied = 交給一個常被欺負的少年[主要說明]~
teenage boy, who was often bullied = 交給一個少年, 他常被欺負[附加說明]~)
金田鍾 = Kam Tin Chung (改個型d ge名會好d~)


Female classmates beat him every day. Male classmates who stand next to him would laugh at him.

Those female classmates...(之前提過, 加those)
, and the others [/other male classmates] just laugh at him...(其他人不代表男同學~也不需刻意說站在他身邊)

p.s. 這些描述好像對整個故事的發展沒什麼幫助...


When he was alone, his intelligence and analysis capabilities will emerge.

When he is alone...(always/often true)
analysing capability (analysing: adj. , capability: 只當一種能力)

但少年經過兩小時的思考,也沒有結果。
"However, he has been thinking for 2 hours without having any outcomes."


He looked at the people whom play basketball.

looked outside of the window at the people who were playing...
whom 只用於被動句~(i.e.如果他們是被籃球玩就會係whom were played by the basketball)
當時玩緊所以係were playing


Suddenly, he noted the focus of the case. He used chalk to write the formula on the window.

he came up with key point for solving the case: 他想到破案的關鍵
Then / Therefore, he used a chalk...(補充連貫性+一支粉筆)
formulae: 不止一條公式

2009-03-19 02:18:04 補充：
He noted the silent student whom often hides among in the crowd.

He noticed...發現
who often...同上
hides among / in the crowd...兩個只能活一個


As the crowd dispersed, the student has become the silent killer.
the student became...變成就變成, 不是已經變成

2009-03-19 02:18:21 補充：
He tells the police the incidents and results.
He told the police the process and the result of the incident.
p.s.咁就破案了嗎...??


The silent killer used a stick to knock down the deceased.
long stick


Then the silent killer dragged him to the staircase, and used traps to kill the deceased.
Then he...

2009-03-19 02:18:33 補充：
Police knew the truth and arrested the silent killer immediately.
Police knew the truth, and then they arrested...事件有先後


氣氛上的營造~場景的交待都有很用心~
但寫這類偵探小說最重要是推理的過程...


Hope this helps~~ =]

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