請幫我修改STATEMENT~

Stock market is a big part of finance. It drives (impetus 係 noun. 無Impetuses 呢個字) the circular flow of economy and provides another channel for local businesses to raise funds for expansion. This expansion will eventually benefit the country therefore (唔使又which又therefore) it is (寫英文文章應盡量唔好用簡寫- - 例如 it’s, he’s) an essential (essential已經係必要, 唔使用very) service for big countries such as the UK, United States, Japan and China to provide. I personally love the way (不用of how) stock markets work. I had bought stocks such as HSBC and the Bank of China. I even tried some higher risk derivatives (衍生工具) such as Call, Put, Cat. Bull & Bear. It is very interesting to analyse (analysis 係 noun) trend-graphs, news and the business itself, in order to decide whether to invest money into a specific business. Although it might be risky for a teenager like me, but it takes me to a position whereby I have a better understanding and experience on how people trade and the way they act to maximize their profit than teenagers within my age group. (簡潔 d)

During my holiday, I worked as a salesman in a clothing store. This improved my communication skills through conversing with customers from all over the world and understanding their needs. More importantly, it was a truly beneficial experience. I have learnt the change in spending pattern in a pressured world economy. I noticed that while people have less money to spend, they are more susceptible to discounts because they do not feel that sellers are taking advantages of them. This understanding will help me in the future in analysing people’s mind as well as their values of money.

Stock market is one of the indispensable parts of the financial world. It incentivizes the circular flow of the economy and provides an alternative for businesses to raise funds for expansion.

2008-12-27 00:08:44 補充：
The expansion of businesses will eventually benefit the economy and therefore it is essential for big countries like the UK, the United States, Japan and China to have their own stock markets .

2008-12-27 00:09:41 補充：
I personally like the way how the stock markets work.I have bought stocks such as HSBC and the Bank of China. I have even invested in some higher risk securities such as call and put warrants, Bull and Bear bonds, etc..

2008-12-27 00:11:12 補充：
I have found it very interesting to utilize graphs, news and the business world to make calculated investment decisions.

2008-12-27 00:11:17 補充：
Although investing in securities might be risky for teenagers like me, the facts that I have a better understanding of the financial world and have gained the experience in stock investment put me ahead of other teenagers within my same age group.

2008-12-27 00:12:03 補充：
During holidays, I work as a salesman in a clothing store. This helps to improve my communication skills with customers from all overthe world; to understand the needs of the customers; and more importantly, to gain an invaluable experience.

2008-12-27 00:12:48 補充：
I have learnt how the consumer behaviour change in a "real world" situation. I have found out that while people have less money to spend, they are prone to be attracted by selling discounts because they feel that the sellers are not taking advantages of them.

2008-12-27 00:16:28 補充：
This understanding helps me to analyse consumer behaviours.

So far so good, but please look at the comments that I have left in part 2 of your question.

2008-12-27 00:19:59 補充：
By the way, to start your personal statement with "Stock market is one of the big parts of finance" is terrible. The first sentence is very important but your first sentence is not logical. What is meant by "Stock market is one of the big parts of finance" ?