Please help me to correct my writting and give marks for me

Today is Sunday, I went to have breakfast in a Chinese Restaurant with my mother and father. The food all in this restaurant is for Chinese(你呢句既意思係呢間食店提供給中國人). We ordered a lot of dim sum. There are ball of pork(豬肉丸 pork ball), chicken leg(雞脾 我估你你講鳳爪 - chicken fee), cheung fan(我未聽過人講過腸粉叫cheung fan, 我聽過腸粉 steamed rice paste roll/steamed rice flour tube). But my favourite food are shrimp dumpling and shiu
mai.

At the afternoon(In the afternoon), I went to my friend's home (friend's house) and played computer games for an hour. After
playing the computer games, I sat with my friend together and did some revision. At 4:00 p.m. I went to visit my grandmother and had a dinner.

I was very happy today and I would never forget the most dinner in my grandmother's place.



故事咁平淡, 你可以寫到咁 unforgetable. 先唔講grammar, 只講內容. 第一. 故事完全冇一到點題, introuction去飲茶成日都去, 有咩好寫, 有咩驚喜, 你唸下, 如果你係reader, 睇到呢篇文會點.
不如試下咁寫
I hate going to a chinese teahouse. Why? I always feel embarrassed to be given a job of getting tables. I loitered behind tables, watching people eat, and tucked into seats once they had finished.

唔用 stood 用 loitered
唔用 moved 用 tucked
希望你唔好有ill feeling, 我只係想大家多d對英交有興趣
唔用 move 用 tuck

其實我地用香港人用字能力太差
例如 : smile, laugh外 我地可以用grin, giggle or chuckle





2008-10-10 01:29:09 補充：
Correction

I was very happy today and I would never forget the most delicious dinner in my grandmother's place.

Spelling mistake
introuction 應該係 introduction

2008-10-10 11:47:00 補充：
Another mistake

Chicken fee should be chicken feet

點解個個都用Today is Sunday.好悶, 好似d人成日start with "My name is ....." for introduction.

可唔可以講下
It was a beautiful/lovely/../../ Sunday morning. or
It was Sunday when I ......
It was on Sunday when ....

唔vote啦

2008-10-30 00:17:58 補充：
重有, 形容詞太少,剩係講events,冇description,感覺唔到d味道。

Please see my suggestion below.

Today is Sunday. I had my breakfast with my parents in a Chinese Restaurant. (I don’t want to mention the food there is for the Chinese. Just imagine… Japanese Restaurants for the Japanese people; Western restaurants for the westerners : ) We ordered a lot of dim sum, like the pork balls, chicken feet (or legs?), steamed rice rolls (not sure the correct term) and so on. Anyway, my favorites are shrimp dumplings and shiu mai (not sure the name). Oh! Yummy! (Those items are in plural. If I am not sure about the names, I will try not to write them in my compositions. Just don’t want to lose the marks. No harm for fun : )
In the afternoon, I went to my friend’s house and we played the computer games for an hour. Afterwards, we did our homework together. At 4:00 pm, I left and then I went to visit my grandmother. I had my dinner there. (I stayed with her till around 9:00 pm. Then, I went home.)
I am so happy today and I will never forget those tasty dishes my grandma prepared for me!

Don't know how to mark. I can get what you mean. Learning English is a long way. Let's keep working hard : )

Today is Sunday, I went to have breakfast in a Chinese Restaurant with my parents (mother and father). All the food in the (this) restaurant is prepared for Chinese. We ordered lots of dim sum, including balls of pork, chicken legs and cheung fan (There are ball of pork, chicken leg, cheung fan). However (but), my favorite were (are) shrimp dumpling and shiu mai.

In the afternoon, I went to visit my friend ('s home) and played computer for an hour. After that (playing the computer games), we (I) sat together (with my friend together) and started studying our homework (homeworks). I left at 4:00p.m. and went to visit my grandmother's home to (and) have (a) dinner.

I was (am) very happy today (in this day) and I will never forget the dinner in my grandmother's home, which is the most delicious meal I have ever had.

(......) <=你ge文字
有小小改動
大致上ok
可以pass
但5高分(取決於你ge程度)
太多文法錯誤

My suggestion:

Today is Sunday, I went to have breakfast in a Chinese Restaurant with my parents. There, all food was Chinese. We ordered a lot of 'dim sum’, pork balls, chicken legs, ‘cheung fan’, … and so on. My favourite was shrimp dumpling and ‘shiu mai’.

In the afternoon, I went to my friend's home and played computer games for an hour. After that, I stayed with my friend and we studied homework together. At 4:00p.m., I went to visit my grandmother at her home and had dinner there.

I was very happy today, in particular, I will never forget the most delicious dinner I had at my grandmother's home.