想幫手改下英文文章~比d建議我~thx

One day, Paul was on the bus to school. He saw an advertisement showing on the television "10000 steps to fitness”.
“That's what I need!” thought Paul. “What was I doing on this bus?” It's a nice day. I could get off a few stops before and walked to school. He imagined himself walking briskly and enjoy in the sunshine, breathing fresh air. He felt fitter already. Instinctually, he reached up and pressed the bell for the coming stop, “Ding”!
Out on the street, Paul took a deep breathe ...soon after he started coughing. That’s the pollution, he had forgotten it. Also, the pavement was so crowded that he could hardly move. He was feeling tired and hungry all of sudden. A delicious smell coming and reaching in Paul's nose “Yum Yum”! Smell good. I might follow the smell and buy something to eat. I'm starving!" he said to himself. Then, Paul stopped in front of a bakery. He was attracted to different kinds of bread that inside the display window. Being hungry and tired, Paul was tempting to buy one and finally he decided to go into the shop and looked around.
There was a wide choice of bread in the shop and Paul loved all of them. He decided to buy one and he has chosen a chocolate. When he was queuing for paying, an overweight boy was walking towards him; his hands were holding loads of bread with a malicious smile on his face.
”That's horrible! I don't want to be as fat as him,” Paul said aloud to himself. His eating temptation was totally crushed out and he rushed out of the shop.
From this terrible experience, extra and unhealthy foods are not a temptation for him any more. He determined to keep fit and healthy .Therefore he followed the suggestion of the TV advertisement, he walks 10000steps everyday. His classmates hardly recognised him because Paul is fit and healthy.

One day, on the bus to go to school ,Paul saw a television advertisement , "10000 steps to fitness ,'it said.'That's what i need !'thought Paul .'What am i doing on this bus?'It's a nice day.I can get off a few stop early and walk to school 'He imagined himself walking along in the sunshine ,breathing the fresh air,He has felt fitter already.He reached up and pressed the bell to stop the bus.Ding!
On the street, Paul took a deep breathe and started coughing right away. He has forgetten about thr pollution, Also, the pavement wa so crowed that he could hardly move.He was feeiing tired and hungry now.
Suddenly, a smell reached Paul's nose.'Wow!It 's nice .I may follow the smell and buy something for eating.I'm starving!"said Paul .Then, Paul stopped in front of a bakery.He was attracted by different kinds of bread that inside a cupboard.Being hungry and tired, Paul was thinking aboutbuying one and finally he decided to go into the shop and looked around it .
There was a wide variety of bread in the shop and Paul loved all of them.He chosde a chocolate cake and he decided to purchase it. When he was quening ,he found a overweight boy was walking towards him., whose hands were holding many breads , with amalicious smile.
'That's horrible !I don't want to as flabby as him,'thought Paul,scared.He put down the bread tempataion for Paul any more .and rushed out.
From this terrible experience , food is not a temptation for him any more.He is determind to become fit and healthy .Therefore , he follow the suggestion in the television advertisement ,which is walking 10000steps everday.Now , his classmates hardly recognised him because Paul look more sturdy.