internship for accounting 既 COVER LETTER~ 睇下d英文寫得ok?thx

"Dear Sir or Madam"
最好用收信人的姓名, 這樣比較有禮貌, 可以話比收信人知你連他/她的名字都知道, 証明你好有誠意。如不知道姓名, 則用比較接近的職位稱呼, 你可以用 "Dear Recruiting Manager"之類的職位稱呼, 一般來說, "recruiting manager" 是指負責招聘的人, 就算那人的職位不真的是 manager 都可以適用。而如果真的不知道那人的姓名或職位 那可以用 "To Whom It May Concern"。最好不要用 Dear Sir or Madam, 因為這過於簡單, 在英文信中, 此用法不夠嚴肅。

因字數所限, 以下是已改了的文章內容 (和一點注解):
I am a student in xx University at my final year.
(既然你已說了是一個學生, 就不用多此一舉 "studying in xx University".)

I am major in professional accounting and banking.
(除非你已經畢業, 或已有學位, 否則你不應該說 "My bachelor's degree"。)

I am currently seeking an internship position for 8th Dec 2008 to 2nd March 2009, and I have recently been made aware of an internship placement opportunity in Hong Kong from your company through CPA Australia. I believe this internship position will allow me to broaden my view and experience in my areas of study, and I am very interested to apply for it through CPA Australia.

My previous student works has provided me a wide range of skills and experience, for example:

One of my work experiences is working as a student accountant for XX accounting firm. (最好用公司名, 增加可信性) My responsibilities included handling clients' business accounting information, and communicated with them to provide them the most effective ways to operate their accounting systems. In additional to that, I helped in analyzing the accounting information and data, which made the processes of filing annual tax returns and superannuation funds to the taxation office smoother and more efficient at the end of the financial year.
(當介紹自的工作經驗時, 盡量用一些比較專業和帶有主動性的詞語, 而且, 盡量比人覺得你有主見, 不只是上司叫你才做。不應用 "In general", 用此會比人感覺你的工作並不重要, 有點可有可無的感覺。)

Thank you for considering my application. Please find enclosed my resume. I will be available in Hong Kong between 8th Dec to 2nd March, and I welcome a meeting with you to further discuss about my qualification and about joining your team. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

Dear Madam/Sirs,

I am a final year student of XXX University? My bachelor's degree is in major of Professional accounting and banking. I am looking for an internship for three months i.e. from 8 December 2008 to 2 March 2009.

While researching opportunities for Internship placement program through CPA Australia, I found that your Internship work program is really suitable for me and it is a chance for me to gain more work experience during my coming break. I am writing to inquire about possible to work in this internship opportunities with the Internship placement through CPA Australia.

My study and work experience background have given me a great chance to learn a variety of working skills and experience how to deal with work place.

I have worked in an accounting and financial services firm as a student work experience for the position of accountant in my study and work experience program (I think you need to state the period)

My jobs were handling and dealing “general business accounting information” with a large number of clients. In brief, I have to be familiar with how my clients operate their accounting system and to communicate with them effectively, and to following the procedure that my senior accountant’s instructed. Subsequently, I could arrange and make a plan on the given accounting information to calculating with taxes for annual tax returns and superannuation funds to taxation office in financial year ended.

My enclosed resume provides additional details about my personal and education background.

I will be in Hong Kong from the 8th December, 2008 on till the 2nd march, 2009, I would be grateful if an interview could be granted so that I can give you my qualifications in more details.

Thank you for your consideration and I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely yours,

2008-09-16 03:26:17 補充：
I hope this helps