(英文)有冇人可以睇下我e篇求學信有冇地方可以改得更好呀??唔該....

Dear Admission Officer, (抬頭最好用收信人姓名, 如不知道本人姓名, 就用最接近本人職位的稱呼, 而如果還是不肯定, 就用 To Whom it may concern. 最好最好不用 Dear Sir 或 Dear Madam, 一來你不能肯定收信人的性別, 二來Sir和Madam過於簡單, 一般較嚴肅的信都不會用)

Re: Application for the Graphic Design Program (一般大學或學校可以選讀的課程的都稱作 program, 而 curriculum 主要用作為學校或教員安排教學的內容時所用, 如 curriculum planning。加 Re: 在頭主要是強調這封信是關於這一個題目的)

I have recently been made aware of the Graphic Design Program at your university from my current school, and I am very interested in applying for this program.

I strongly believe that your institute provides the best education and experience in the field of graphic design, and I will be able to further improve my creativity and ability to design through this program.

In additional to that, I am also interested to improve my English literacy skill and I am sure your institute has the most richest resources to provide to your students.

To be a graphic designer has been my life long career goal, and I firmly believe your institute has best curriculum and resources to help me reach this goal.

Thank you for considering my application to the Graphic Design Program. I am looking forward to hear from you. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

你沒有包括太多你自己的經驗, 所以只能用較簡單的方式。可以的話, 不妨加一些你自己在設計的經驗, 和多說一些你未來的志願方向等, 我相信會有分加的。

純粹小建議...

因為英文溝通上(I mean all kinds of Communications)
同中文最大的分別在於
有一樣野叫做 "YOU Approach'

哩個Approach往往係中文底子翻譯英文o既最大分野
亦都係影響 求職/學信 o既 Persuasiveness(說服力)

What is "YOU Approach'?
簡單講...就係 唔好每句用 I 開頭


咁樣...Reader 會好快對你o既信失去興趣
Think abt that...睇求職/學信 個一位...
每日成千上萬o既求學信...
How To attract him/her with a few hundred words?

再者, 內容上
As you mentioned, Eng. is a requirement of studying in University
But you said ' I will improve my english ability after school'

連接上o既意思即係...I have no confidence in my English level Or I am not able to reach the standard of your requirement, but I want to get a seat.

意見:
Show more YOUR Strength and hide your weaknesses
You are going to convince the prog. leader, not begging.

2008-09-12 11:13:36 補充：
hyperpork 個封真係改得好好
kitmate 都講得好岩...你宜家apply緊 Graphic Design
寫哩D信最重要就係之前想清楚~咩係重要咩係次要
「展己之所長而藏拙」
搞清楚...You are going to convince the prog. leader, not begging
Good Luck啦~~

一定要打多封信求學咩 ? 通常比入學申請就得架播。

你話就話要去讀 Graphic Design﹐但篇野就猛咁講話要學英文﹐我真有慘不忍睹既感覺。我就算本來要收你﹐但見到你篇本末倒至兼錯漏百出既信﹐我大可能改變初衷。

不如你寫過一篇啦﹐言詞不妨精簡 d 。拿﹐好似咁 :

Dear xxx,

I am very excited to learn about the Graphic Design Program in xxx University.


When I saw (xxxx老作一件名師設計xxxx) when I was XXX-years old, not only
was I deeply impress by it's (xxxx 老作件設計有咩好xxxx) but also helped
made up my mind of becoming a great graphic designer myself ever since.

Please find attached my application form, and a short portfolio including
some of my recent works and school projects.

Thank you very much for your kind consideration. I look forward to hearing
from you.

Respectfully Yours

xxx你大名xxx

如果真係要長篇大論﹐搵人幫你寫啦。 最緊要係﹐將你以前畫既畫﹐設計﹐映相呀咁﹐整個靚靚既 Portfolio 寄埋過去啦﹐咁至似番個有為青年架 ma !

2008-09-12 05:35:31 補充：
hyperpork 答得幾好喎﹐將我地兩個既答案合併﹐咁就掂晒啦。你真好彩﹐佢同我都
好有心答你。

Dear Sirs,

Application for the Graphic Design curriculum.

When I learned that a program of Graphic Design will be taken place in your university from my school, I would like to apply it. It is a very good opportunity for me to develop my career in graphic design field.

From this program I am sure that it helps to build up my creation concepts and enrich my design notions.

Besides, I want to improve my English ability as English is an international language and it is not only an essential requirement in the university and in the working world too.

I sincerely hope I would be accepted by your university. I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

2008-09-12 03:57:11 補充：
I hope this helps