更正英文錯誤&GRAMMAR

Some people criticized the Body Shop (no need to use :and said) that it has (since at time of writing this passage Body Shop is still having the problem of not protecting the environment, we should just use present perfect tense instead of past perfect tense) not done enough to protect the environment. If I were (you are not the owner, so this is just an assumption that you are the owner, in this case we always use “were”, just like : if I were you) the owner of the Shop, I think I will visit the poor people personally to teach them to pay attention of hygiene problem. I will also hold a fund raising campaign and (if you just use a comma “,” instead of “and” to connect the 2 clauses, they will not have a direct relationship with each other) the total income will be donated (need to use passive voice here) to the poor people. In addition, I will patronize technology (this is too vague, you have to specify what kind of technology or you can just say modern machineries) to them because this is the most important need (important is just an adjective, here you need to explain important “what”) when poor country want to develop. Anyway, if I treat them sincerely, there (it – what is this “it” referring to ? the company, the people criticizing Body Shop ? Not really, right ? Therefore we cannot use “it” because we having nothing to refer to) will not be negative reputation of my company anymore.

Note :
- always leave 1 space after a punctuation mark, always leave 2 spaces after a full stop.

Those people criticising the Body Shop commented that it has not done enough to protect the environment. If I am to be the owner of the shop, I think I will visit the poor people personally to teach them the importance of hygiene. I will also hold a fundraising campaign, all the money raised will be distrubuted to the poor people. In addition, I will help them invest in new technologies because they are essential for a poor country to develop. Overall, if the poor people are bring treated sincerely, the Body Shop should have been able to uphold its reputation.

改左dd

2008-08-28 08:55:52 補充：
correct "being treated"