改善英文行動 54. 希望大家盡力幫忙

My friends and I were having (no need to use “had” since your stomach problem happened the same time during lunch.) lunch in a restaurant. Suddenly, I got a stomachache and (no said because using “excused” already mean you said excuse me to your friends) excused myself to my friends.

I ran to toilet as fast as I could. After a while (why after a while ? because the toilet was outside the restaurant ? Suggest to change to : After searching around in the restaurant), I saw a toilet for man and went into it quickly. However, I saw a girl looking at me when I entered the toilet. What the hell!!! (It is okay to say “what the hell” here, in fact it highlighted your feeling. However in formal writing please do not use this phrase because it is considered as colloquial only. May be you can say : Oh my goodness !)I said sorry to the girl (we use girl instead of “her” here because your mentioned in your latter part of essay that it was a boy) immediately and then rushed (add rush to describe how quickly you wanted to leave) out of the toilet. I was lucky because she didn't yell (no out, in fact using “scream” is better than “yell” because yell has a meaning of scolding people, while you were just afraid that she would scream because you went into a toilet for woman.).

Due to my urging stomach problem I looked at (not saw because saw does not have the underline meaning of examine, and that was what you were doing) the sign on the door of the toilet again, but it really was a boy’s figure. Did she go to the wrong toilet ? Did I need to tell her the truth? During that moment, a boy pushed the toilet door (remember you are still standing outside the toilet) and said (no that) "Are you ok, Tony?". The girl said "I am ok and I am going with you now."



2008-07-30 03:54:09 補充：
The girl was a boy ! But he really looked like a girl. How ridiculous (we do not use impossible because it is actually possible.

2008-07-30 03:54:23 補充：
So the punch line, that is, the final sentence of your essay that summing up your feeling or used as a concluding sentence, should not be “impossible”, but “ridiculous”) it was!!!

小小建議... (part 1)

My friends and I had lunch in a restaurant.
My friends and I were having lunch in a restaurant.
("was having lunch" - 用過去進行式比較適合, 因為文章想要描述一段過程)

Suddenly, I got a stomachache and said excuse to my friends.
Suddenly, I got a stomachache and excused myself.
(只是語法上有點問題)

I ran to toilet as fast as I can.
I ran to the restroom as fast as I could.
(1. "restroom" 比"toilet" 文雅
2. 因為是過去式, 要用 "could" 而不是"can")

After a while, I saw a boy toilet and went into that quickly.
I found the men's restroom and went inside quickly.
(可省掉"After a while")

However, I saw a girl looked at me when I entered the toilet.
However, as soon as I entered, a girl was looking at me.
(這樣句子比較通順)

What the hell!!! I said sorry to her immediately and then out of the toilet. I was lucky because she don't yell out.
I was taken by surprised! I apologized to her immediately and got out. I was lucky that she didn't yell.
("What the hell" 比較口語化, 加上不太文雅... ^_^; 也可用"What was going on", 但也是比較口語化)

I saw the picture on the toilet again, but it really was a boy figure.
I checked the sign on the restroom door again, and it clearly was a boy figure.
(用"checked" 應更貼切你想要表達的意思 - 再次看清楚門上那個標誌; "really" 改"clearly" 也是同樣原因)

Did she go to toilet wrongly? Did I need to tell her the truth?
"Did she go into men's room by mistake? Should I tell her?", I thought
(1. 用"wrongly" 有點怪怪的... "by mistake" 在語法上較為正確
2. 用"Should I tell her" 比較通順)

In the same time, a boy came to the toilet and said that "Are you ok, Tony?".
At the same time, a boy came and asked "Tony, are you ok?".
(1. 語法上, 應該是"At the same time" 而不是 "In the same time"
2. 由於文章已多次提起事發地點, 在這裡可以刪掉
3. "asked" 比 "said that" 更能表達意思)

The girl said "I am ok and I go with you now."
The girl said, "Yes, I am ok."
(這裡刪掉"and I go with you now" 會比較流暢; 也可考慮用 "replied" 代替 "said")

2008-07-30 02:08:56 補充：
So, the "girl" was a boy, but he really looked like a girl. How unbelievable!
(1. "So" 好像能給予一個"結論"的感覺 2. "looked like" 應更能表達"那男孩子外表很像女孩子"的意思 3. "unbelievable" [不可思議] 只是 suggestion, "impossible" [不可能] 也 OK, 但 "it was" 可以刪掉, 以免句子纍贅)