請幫忙檢查一下我這封英文信

I am xxx, Tom, a fresh graduate in vc diploma (11121). During your study trip in June, I have sent you a letter on the 23rd about the course (11131), I want to know the mechanism that you have mentioned in applying to year 3.

Lately, students from interior diploma and product diploma relayed words from their tutors that year 3 is only applicable to average score higher than 65, is it true for vc diploma, too?

I am quite eager for my further studies and future career, this explains why I studied hard last year to have obtained the highest score in my class, I am confident of my capability to take the challenge. Should I be given the chance, I will definitely do my utmost to prove myself.

May I have your comments?

Dear Mr. Peter XXX , - since this is a formal letter, you have to put his surname no matter how good your relationship with him was. In any case this letter will be kept in the file as official record.
Re : Application for vc Higher Diploma (11131)
I am xxx, Tom, a graduate student in vc diploma (11121) this year. I have sent a letter to you on June 23 while you were on a study trip. I am afraid that my letter may be missed so I am writing to you again now. – do not say that he missed your letter, just simply say the letter was missed.
I am writing this letter to officially apply for a vacancy on the course course, vc Higher Diploma (11131) as I heard from you that there is a mechanism for us to apply a Form for year 3 while my tutor John told me that the mechanism may be cancelled this year.
Before semester one began, some of my friends told me that if you could get the highest mark in the class, you might be able to be promoted to year 3. So I paid much attention in my study this year. Fortunately, my result changed a little and I succeeded in getting the highest mark in the class. I look forward to attending year 3 and I am confident of my ability to take the challenge. This will be the most important subject for me at this period because I have learnt a lot in this year and I am sure if I am promoted to year 3, I will learn more for my future career. Should I be given the chance, I will certainly do my almost to prove myself.
Few days ago, I heard from my friends who study in Interior Diploma and Product Diploma that their tutors said if one’s average mark is higher than 65, they may be promoted to year 3. I am wondering whether this policy will also apply to the vc Diploma?

Thank you very much for your time and attention to my appeal. I wish you will consider my situation and grant me the opportunity if I am qualified.
Yours Sincerely,
____________

你係比你個course leader喎...點解你好似寫到係比你個friend咁ge??
你係咪應該用返Dear sir 開頭有禮貌d呢??
開頭:
I am writing to inquire the possibility of entering Year 3 in VC Higher Diploma(11131). I am a Year 2 student of the VC Diploma(11121) this year.......

呀..中間果D..其實唔係好明你想講咩......你係咪想話..你今年拎夠分入YEAR 3...問你個course leader有無機會??
強烈建議你唔好用John told me呀...some of my friends told me之類....
你可以轉用I know that/I am sure that/

結尾果度..你可以寫:
Thank you for your kind attention. I look forward to hearing from you.

不如你解釋下你想講咩啦...hope I can help you!!