我有一篇作文,可唔可以幫我睇下有咩grammar或vocab錯處,並給予些意見,Thanks!!!

I totally disagree that university should accept equal numbers of male and
female students in every subject. In my opinion, it is not necessary to achieve this plan, although there are advantages and disadvantages for both of the arguement. (you should not metntion that there are disavantages because of the word "although") (You may change like this: The university should not achieve this plan as there are many disadvantages behind it.)

First of all, the most important thing for the university to consider accepting students, is their qualifications, not their sex. Nowadays, people always concern about the balance of male and female. Therefore, the university should let the students who have abilities to get the university entrance first. (to should be omitted as there should be bare infinitive after "let")
It may causes the
impact if the universty only accepts equal numbers of either sex students. (what do you mean by impact?)
For instance, females have always been as good as males at studying. Unfortunately, as the
universty only accepts a limited number of female students, many females will lose thier chances to study at universty . Another problem is that some male students do not have results as good as females, but they still get an entry to the university. It is not fair and not reasonable.

Secondly, it will also cause a problem of too many males or females
students in a class. Actually, a universty is just seems like a small society.
We do not only learn from the book, we also need to learn how to
communicate with different people. It means if we lack either of sexual
students, we are also receiving a great consequence .

In conclusion, even though i agree that universty should try to balance the students of male and female . However, I still believe that university should accept student depending on their qualification, but not their sex.


I have tried my best to improve your passage. Please aplogize if I have made any mistake or other promblem.


2008-06-11 21:02:49 補充：
I think the ideas of your essay is quite good, but you should try to make it more clear and proofread it

Don't make your decision at the start. agree or disagree should write at the FINAL paragraph. For example:
Based on the above reason, I disagree.

first paragraph - most of uni use "qualification of student" to determine whether accept his or her application
2nd paragraph - no reason to show that uni should has a equal number of female or male students

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