Ungent!!!20分改英文。。。報Ｄegree

1) I agree with the 1st answer that you should use more formal tone in addressing the attendee.

==> Dear Sir / Madam,

2) Better for you to add a subject line (I guess you will be sending this through email, so you may put the sentence in the Subject line of the email. But better still, you may consider attaching a word document format of the letter in the email and in the .doc file, you can put this subject line underneth ﹝Dear Sir/Madam,﹞

==> Subject: Application for degree programme

3) Better for you to include a simple introduction at the beginning of your letter

==> I am writing to apply / I am interested in applying for the xxx degree programmer offered by your institution.

4) 1st para -- (say) you are graduating in May 2008

==> I am graduating from my Higher Diploma programme in May 2008. In my three years of studies in IVE, I have gained knowledge in XXX industry and.

5) 2nd & 3rd para -- I guess you may be applying for the Business related studies while your current HD is not directly business but are related in some sense. So you may consider combining the 2 para into 1. Rephrase a little bit by saying that you have a taste in the business related subjects in HD and which you found interest in would be more convincing.

==> Apart from industry knowledge, I have developed my interest in the business management subjects such as (you name some...e.g. operations management, accounting & finance, organization management, marketing...etc.). I am very interested in developing my future career in the business field and I would like to pursue my studies in this area.

6) 4th para -- then you may start praising their institution (but not necessarily talking about their facilities)

==> Having known your reputation in running Business Management degree courses among the local universities / institutions, it would be my pleasure to gain a Bachelor Degree in Business Management from your Institution. It is my dream to have this opportunity to study in your Institution.

2008-02-28 11:38:17 補充：
7) 5th para -- Conclude your letter by leaving your contact. And if you need to attach your academic results / whatever related documents, do mention them here

2008-02-28 11:39:58 補充：
==〉 Attached please find [list out the documents....e.g. a copy of this application letter, my academic results over the past years and a reference letter from my teacher(if you have one)] for your reference.

2008-02-28 11:41:00 補充：
I believe I am a suitable candidate for the degree programme and I sincerely hope that I would be given this opportunity to pursue my studies in the Business field in your Institution. Please feel free to contact me by email or by phone at 9xxx xxxx and I look forward to receiving your response.

2008-02-28 11:41:05 補充：
Yours faithfully,

xxx

Hi! I don't think that you find it difficult to write a self-introduction because you , studing 3-year full-time programme - Higher Diploma in xxx, will be graduating in June 2009. Please try your best to do it .

我唔係想咁唔認真的~~~

佢既題目係
1why u wish to study the programme
2 how the qualification is relevant to u career aspirations
3 your expectation of the programme!~~

O個D POINT都係我亞SIR SUGGEST我寫的, 不過係我D ENG 太差表達得唔好....
可唔可以幫下我~!
我已經好努力了!

2008-03-04 00:15:58 補充：
真係好多謝你咁有心既幫助我!份文我已經交左啦~~~參考左你第一次既回覆,我搵埋我既朋友來同我一齊諗...之後再交比亞SIR CHECK 比DCOMMEN我地!!!應該唔會太差吧!!

有人話我唔應該作唔到篇文出來,因為我已經係YEAR3--HIGHER DIP.的學生,我都覺的係呀!!!!!真係好醜怪,,只怪自己中小學唔用功....而家想學好
D英文又無D有效方法... 所有係HIGH DIP時讀書都係事倍功半...不過我唔會放棄,我會想辦...繼續學好我既英文

ANYWAY...真係唔該晒你地的意見,特別係pixelheart926幫左的好多!!!!THANK YOU!!!

1) "hello" is a bit informal in the application letter, so you should write dear sir/ madam, e.g. Dear department head of XXX,

2) I will "be" graduated form Higher Diploma in ＸＸＸ. In the 3 years studying in IVE, I not only got the Higher Diploma Certificate and I gain the knowledge in ＸＸＸ industry. .... (too redundant....)

3) As well as (As far as I know ?), I discover that I am extremely interest to investigate( more and more -> redundant) about business in the future, therefore, I decide fulfill it in the future and that is why I choose Business Management industry as my career development path // choose your business management programme because you have better teaching and studying resource I required for future job prospect.

4) Beside, the ｘｘ industry, I wish I can have a chance to develop my career in the different business industry. Getting the local business bachelor degree is now a crucial key to be success in this knowledge-based society, and given that I can perform more professionally for my working position.
(useful for me for getting a job -> although this may be true for you, never say that)

5)( It is my dream to study in your University, and using your perfect school facilities, especially you larger library with a great variety material for me to reference. --> similar to the point above, it just show you lack of the focus in going into university, going for developing career or just for facilities??)

6)(If I have a opportunity to study in your University, I would do my best to practice the theorization? and skill in business industry, and training my independent. --> Are you kidding that you will train independent in University? If I were the professor I would feel disappointed as you are really too reliance on University....

2008-02-28 01:18:54 補充：
All in all, just an overall comment to conclude, you should clearly snow in your letter what you are qualified and should be done pursuade the professor you are well-prepared into the University or you will suffer a great painful experience after you are going in. Not kidding)

2008-02-28 09:48:36 補充：
你可以pm我, 我可以教你寫好d, 當然我都想你可以入到心宜大學la ^_^
my email: [email protected] Derrick